Raising an Honest Child

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Honesty is something children learn and develop during their early years. All children lie at some point in childhood, so it’s important for parents to learn to distinguish between different kinds of lies and understand that there are different reasons why children lie. Not all lies are equally bad or have the same consequences. Parents play an important role in guiding and directing this kind of behavior, so they need to be well equipped and familiarized with the issue in order to act appropriately and help their children be more consistently honest.

Why Do Kids Lie?

There are numerous reasons why a child would tell a lie in a social situation. It may be to avoid or escape imminent punishment (“I didn’t break the vase!”), or to obtain material benefits (“I ate my soup, can I have a dessert now?”) [1]. It may be that they’re not honest for an entirely different reason – they lie to get out of doing something they don’t want to do (e.g. homework), or because they’re just mirroring what adults around them are doing, or perhaps they’re not old enough to know the difference between truth and a lie. Furthermore, children with low self-esteem may lie to impress others in order to feel more secure about themselves, or in general, to get attention.

Learning the Difference Between Lies

In the first few years of life, children may indicate or say things that aren’t true. These should not be taken as lies, but rather as mistakes, since the child does not yet fully understand the difference between what is the truth and what is not. Their “lies” can be seen as a product of their not differentiating fantasy or wishful thinking from reality. Lying in early childhood is related to adaptive cognitive and social functioning – so it’s pretty normal for young kids to lie – but it can become a problem behavior as they reach late childhood and adolescence [1].

When a child’s brain develops enough to distinguish imagination from reality, they start to use lies purposefully in order to obtain different goals. Researchers have found that children’s lying progresses through three levels [1,2]:

  1. Primary lies begin at 2-3 years of age when children learn to deliberately make untrue statements. These falsehoods are not that frequent and are usually told to avoid getting into trouble after violating a rule. Such early falsehoods may be a rudimentary form of intentional verbal deception, but children more often than not confess their transgression when asked about it by adults.
  2. Secondary lies reflect a significant shift that takes place between 3 and 4 years of age. During this period, the majority of children will readily tell a lie to conceal their own transgression but are not yet completely capable of making a lie consistent. Their deception is usually easily detected by adults. At this age, children also start to lie to be polite, to benefit someone else, etc.
  3. Tertiary lies emerge around 7 to 8 years of age. Children’s lies become more sophisticated and well controlled, and they seem more plausible. A child will tell a lie and make sure their subsequent statements don’t contradict the initial lie, which makes it difficult for other people to tell the difference between the lie and the truth.

As we can see, lying by using deception to avoid negative consequences, such as punishment, develops prior to the ability to lie in a socially appropriate and effective way [1]. There is an important difference to bear in mind between the two [1]:

  1. Antisocial lies, or “self-serving” lies, are motivated by self-interest and are used to avoid punishment, or even to harm others. Their occurrence at an early age is important because it shows that children are able to grasp that their deeds and thoughts are not evident to others. In other words, antisocial lies imply that a child has developed a sense of self and has a rudimentary understanding of the mental states of others (e.g., Mom will be angry if she knows I did something wrong).
  2. Prosocial lies, more often called “white lies”, are positively and socially motivated and are told without malicious intent. For example, children can lie about enjoying a meal their friend’s parents have made, because they don’t want to hurt their feelings. Knowing when to tell a white lie is an important skill in life. There are situations where it’s not OK to simply tell the truth because it can unnecessarily hurt someone’s feelings. Of course, this doesn’t mean people should always lie to avoid hurting someone.

Parents need to take into account circumstances that lead to children’s dishonesty so that they can properly respond to these kinds of behavior. Lying to gain some benefit is not the same as lying to make someone feel better. If the lies are well intended and are prosocial, there’s not much a parent should do, except try to show the child that there are other responses that are both kind and truthful. This can be done by modeling their responses to others so the child can see it can be done. These responses are, however, not easy to come up with, so it’s completely OK for parents to sometimes just acknowledge the prosocial lie and thank the child for trying to make them or others feel better.

On the other hand, when faced with more serious lies on a regular basis, parents need to act and correct this kind of behavior in their child.

What Can Parents Do About Lying?

– Point out the lie. If a young child is making up stories and telling tales that are obviously not true, try pointing out this behavior and ask them to try and tell the story again. They must learn that other people can tell if they’re being dishonest, and that they can’t get away with lying without anyone noticing [3].

– Teach them that truth always finds a way. Explain to them that lies are difficult to hide, as they will eventually come out in the open. This can often be seen as a take-away message in cartoons, movies, books, etc. and when that happens, be quick to point out that lying didn’t quite turn out be useful in the end.

– Introduce some consequences for lying. For example, if a child lied about not having any homework and went out to play, and you find out they actually did have homework, you should let them know there will be repercussions for this behavior, and make sure they sit down and do all the required work. On the other hand, it’s crucial that the consequence is something short-lived, that it only serves to remind them that this behavior is not desirable, so they can get back to practicing honesty [3].

Rather than focusing on undesirable behavior, it’s better to focus on encouraging the positive. That’s why we’ll also discuss some ways to encourage honesty in your children.

How to Encourage Honesty

– Make them confess a transgression indirectly. Never call your child a liar. To avoid a showdown with your children, rather than asking them directly if they’ve broken the lamp, you should try saying “Look, my lamp got broken”. The idea is not to make them feel accused of the crime and cornered, but instead give them space to come clean about it themselves, without pushing them into it (such as by saying “Did you have anything to do with my lamp being broken?”) [3].

– Be a role model. As with any kind of behavior, children learn by watching their parents. If you want your children to be honest, then you have to be honest – with them as well as with others. For example, make them know it’s better to openly say you don’t feel like doing something than coming up with excuses. Children have to feel comfortable talking to you without having to conceal anything, regardless of the consequences, and the only way to accomplish this is for you to be honest with them, too.

– Appreciate their honesty. When a child comes clean about doing something wrong, besides telling them there will be consequences, be sure to praise them for their honesty. If a transgression isn’t too serious, you should relieve them of consequences and let them know that’s their reward for being honest. Also, explain to them why it’s important to tell the truth. Friends and family members should trust one another and you can’t build a relationship based on lies.

It’s important to once again acknowledge that all children lie, but some of them do it chronically (and for no reason), which can become a serious problem as they grow up. If your child manifests this kind of negative behavior, you should think about talking to a professional about it. Here at Nobel Coaching & Tutoring we have amazing coaches who can help you define the specific problem and help get your child through it.

References:

  1. Talwar, V., & Crossman, A. (2011). From little white lies to filthy liars: The evolution of honesty and deception in young children. In Advances in child development and behavior (Vol. 40, pp. 139-179). JAI.
  2. Talwar, V., & Lee, K. (2008). Social and cognitive correlates of children’s lying behavior. Child development, 79(4), 866-881.
  3. https://childmind.org/article/why-kids-lie/

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Where’s My Motivation? How to Motivate Yourself to Study

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Motivation used to be easier to find when there was no internet to abet our procrastination, don’t you think?  We Millennials and Generation Zs have been dealing with two big issues for quite some time now. And through no fault of our own! How are we supposed to resist the perks of modern times? These two very related issues are, as you might have guessed already, beating procrastination and finding motivation. These terms might sound like synonyms, but the truth is you can beat procrastination by forcing yourself to do something without necessarily seeing the point of it. Finding the motivation for it, however, will make you into a much better learner. A person who’s motivated will learn more and understand the material much better than someone who has no idea why they’re studying, but is convincing themselves they should.

Let’s define procrastination as “the lack or absence of self-regulated performance and the tendency to put off or completely avoid an activity under one’s control” [4]. In other words – you’re able to do something – finish your homework, prepare for an exam, or simply clean your room. You know you should definitely do it – but you’re avoiding doing it for different reasons that we’ll talk about later. On the other hand, motivation is “the force that drives a person to engage in activities” [2] – aka, your strongest weapon when it comes to overcoming procrastination.

Now, an article titled “How to Motivate Yourself to Study” might sound like the magic solution to procrastination: (“You mean, I’m finally going to stop checking Instagram instead of writing that essay?!”)

Alas, there aren’t any magic solutions, but what I can offer you here are some tips to first recognize what exactly is making your motivation so low and then how you can try to best solve the problem according to your own individual personality.

So, if you’re determined to overcome your procrastination through some reading and planning, you’ve come to the right place.

Why, Oh Why, Am I Procrastinating?

In order to answer this all-important question, let’s first discuss why people study to begin with.

There are a couple of different goals that people hope to achieve through studying. Some have a mastery-approach goal orientation [1]. This means that they study because they find the topic interesting and they want to learn as much as possible about it. These people often experience the state of flow – the feeling of being so interested in an activity that you lose track of time, space, and your mother calling you to dinner for the third time in the last five minutes.

Others have a different idea and thus foster a performance-approach goal orientation [8]. They may not be interested in the topic itself, but they like to shine in front of others – they want to show off their ability and results.

Now, both of these approaches are positive as they’ll ensure that you’ll have the necessary motivation to study. However, with the first one, people tend to enjoy the process of studying, while the second one may produce anxiety [5]. We’ll come back to that later, but first, let’s talk about some of the more negative approaches to studying.

Where The Dark Approaches Dwell

Some students nurture avoidance orientation, and that’s where procrastination comes knocking. Whether it’s about mastery-avoidance or performance-avoidance, the idea is similar: avoid accomplishing too little – failing (which can sometimes be avoided in ways other than studying extensively), or avoid spending a lot of time studying only to realize you haven’t learned as much as you wanted to [8]. These students have a fear of failure that can produce two different (both negative) outcomes – anxiety and self-handicapping.

Some will try their best not to fail, being anxious and fearful all the time, checking their notebook in the middle of the night because they believe they’ve skipped over something and they won’t succeed on their test.

Others will fear failure so much that they’ll resort to self-handicapping [8]. They set up external barriers for themselves as justifications for failing. If you’re this kind of student, your thought process will go something along the lines of: “I’ll definitely fail. But if I fail due to the lack of ability or effort, I’ll be so ashamed and everyone will be disappointed in me. However, if I fail because the tasks were too difficult or because the teacher just doesn’t like me, or because I’m bothered by the constant chatter in the library when I try to study, it’s not up to me, right? And if it’s not my fault, I’ll feel much better about it.”

Now that we understand motivation and procrastination a little bit better, let’s go to everyone’s favorite part: tips on how to overcome it!

Finding Your Ideal Approach

In order to increase our motivation, it’s sometimes necessary to take a look at our reasons for procrastinating.  We’re going to list a couple of common reasons for the lack of motivation, and after each, some questions you can ask yourself in order to determine whether that’s the cause of your procrastination. Next will be some tips on how to overcome those specific issues. Buckle up, procrastinators, here we go!

  1. My fear of failure gives me anxiety. (Am I afraid of failing?  Do I get anxious when I study?)

Being anxious is no walk in the park. However, to a certain degree, anxiety can be motivational; we call this type facilitating anxiety [3]. If you think “I don’t want to fail, I’d better start studying!”, that’s not a bad start to having healthy motivation. But the other type – debilitating anxiety – is the one that troubles many students [3]. The thought process here is different: “I’m going to fail. I don’t understand anything, I don’t know anything, I’m a good-for-nothing failure!” Such thinking makes it difficult to focus on the human anatomy or Einstein’s laws of physics, doesn’t it?

The root of these thoughts are the avoidance approaches we mentioned before. Instead of trying not to fail, you should decide to try to achieve something. The stakes are higher, sure, but the results – and the process itself – are going to make your life a lot easier. So the next time you recognize those debilitating thoughts, get out a piece of paper right there and then and write down three goals for your study sessions. Make them both short-term and long-term, and, most importantly, make them sound positive. For example, write down: “Read 20 pages by 8pm today, finish chapter 3 by 7pm tomorrow, go over it once more by Wednesday at 7pm.” Then get some rest the day before the exam – go for coffee with friends or finish that comic book you never have time for. The important thing is: make your goals as measurable and clear as possible [4]. Focusing on your goals instead of the outcomes may make your life a bit easier.

If you do suffer from debilitating anxiety and don’t think you can deal with it alone, talk to someone. You can even schedule a free consultation with one of our Coaches.

  1. “I just don’t have it in me. I’ll never understand math.” (Do I believe that I’m not capable of understanding this subject no matter how much I study?)

This was me in high school (guilty as charged!) until I came to the quite reasonable realization that different people are talented in different things. As for me, I always did well in physics, but simply couldn’t understand the logic of math. How did I get through it? By understanding that just because I’ll need three weeks to prepare for my math exam and that other kid from class will only need three days doesn’t make me stupid or a failure – it simply proves that we’re not all built the same.

Most people have a certain self-serving bias wherein they believe that successes come from inside them, while something outside of them is to blame for their failures [2]. This is why we tend to say that we got an A in history because we studied, but got an F in math because the exam was too difficult [1] [6]. This way we protect the positive image we have about ourselves, but we lose any and all motivation to study certain subjects.

Now let’s imagine you spend the next three weeks preparing for that test instead of giving up right away. Two things could happen: you could succeed, or you could fail. If you succeed, imagine the pride you’ll feel for, essentially, being better than your past self. And if you fail, you’ll know you gave it your all, and you can’t really blame yourself for not being talented in everything, right?

But to be fair, whenever I spent that much time preparing for math exams that I “just didn’t get”, I never once failed them – not because I discovered some hidden talent for math, but because effort is what counts in the end. And there’s also something called self-efficacy beliefs: it turns out that we can do much more if we believe we’re capable of doing it [6].

  1. Nothing interests me. (Do I find anything interesting at all when it comes to this subject?)

This is a tough one. As we mentioned before, having an interest in something makes it a lot easier to sit down and study. But all is not lost! If you lack interest inside yourself, you need to find it outside of yourself. Do you like to brag and be the best? Use that to make the subject more interesting for yourself. If that doesn’t interest you either, we have something else in mind for you, which is:

Find your routine.

Nothing kills motivation faster than having no plan whatsoever [3]. It’s easy to convince yourself that you’ll study as soon as you finish watching that video, isn’t it? But if you have a whole day planned: what time you get up, what time you exercise, what time you study – postponing things becomes a little bit more difficult. To make the plan even more bulletproof, use one of our previous tips: set clear and measurable goals. That way, if you’ve been on Facebook for 15 minutes while your “read 20 pages” time is getting shorter, you might start feeling a little bit guilty. If you don’t believe you’ve got that much self-discipline, ask someone to help you – like a motivation-buddy of sorts. Make sure they know your schedule and remind you to study. Better yet, you can study together: just make sure they’re not the procrastinating type! And while we’re on group sessions…

  1. “I don’t have the discipline.”  (Do I believe that I can’t, for the life of me, convince myself to study for more than X minutes at a time?)

Good job on recognizing that – you’re on the right track! Now I’ll let you in on a secret not many people will tell you: having group study sessions doesn’t mean you’ll just be gossiping and wasting your time! Of course, you’ll need to find someone who’s not a procrastinator, and you’ll need to have a clear plan for studying, such as: finish 30 questions, have a 15-minute break. The thing is, some people find it easier to motivate themselves to study (alone), but others thrive in groups [7]. They find it easier to study if they can talk to people while they’re doing so; the sense of togetherness gives them motivation. It’s all about the learning style that fits you best.

I hope you found these tips useful! Once you discover how to motivate yourself, you’ll find many things much easier to tackle and will procrastinate less. And if you came to this article procrastinating, then I also hope you could recognize yourself in some of these thoughts and will be on your way to preparing for that exam. Good luck!

 

References:

 

  1.      Ames, C., & Archer, J. (1988). Achievement Goals in the Classroom: Students’ Learning Strategies and Motivation Processes. Journal of Educational Psychology, Vol. 80, No.3, pp. 260-267.
  2.   Brownlow, S., & Reasinger, R.D. (2000). Putting off  Until Tomorrow What is Better Done Today: Academic Procrastination as a Function of Motivation Toward College Work. Journal of Social Behavior and Personality, Vol. 15, No. 5, pp. 15-34.
  3.   Entwistle, N.J., Thompson, J. & Wilson, J.D. (1974). Motivation and Study Habits. Higher Education, Vol. 3, pp. 379-396.
  4.      Lee, E. (2005). The Relationship of Motivation and Flow Experience to Academic Procrastination in University Students. The Journal of Genetic Psychology, Vol. 166, No.1, pp. 5-14.
  5.      Linnenbrinck, E. (2005). The Dilemma of Performance-Approach Goals: The Use of Multiple Goal Contexts to Promote Students’ Motivation and Learning. Journal of Educational Psychology, Vol. 97, No. 2, pp. 197-213.
  6.   Pajares, F. (1995). Self-Efficacy in Academic Settings. Paper presented at a symposium held during the meeting of the American Educational Research Association, San Francisco.
  7.   Weiler, A. (2004). Information-Seeking Behavior in Generation Y Students: Motivation, Critical Thinking, and Learning Theory. The Journal of Academic Librarianship, Vol. 31, No. 1, pp 46–53
  8.      Wolters, C. (2004). Advancing Achievement Goal Theory: Using Goal Structures and Goal Orientations to Predict Students’ Motivation, Cognition, and Achievement. Journal of Educational Psychology, Vol. 96, No. 2, pp. 236-250.

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Books About Girls

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The benefits of reading to children are well known – from their earliest years, it helps improve their language skills, enriches their vocabulary, teaches critical thinking and logic skills, and encourages creativity and a thirst for knowledge. Reading is, therefore, a great parenting activity to bring you closer to your child as they reap its benefits.

Also important, to adults as well as to children, is the way reading and literature can impact our ideas, goals, and moral code. Recently there’s been lively discussion about the importance of representation in media – with good reason.  As sociologist Stewart Hall wrote back in 1973: “the mass media are more and more responsible for providing the basis on which a group constructs an ‘image’ of their lives, meanings, practises and values”[1]. Though he refers here to constructing images of others, it’s safe to say we also construct an image of ourselves through media consumption – and through literature. The image created can be either positive or negative, so with a vulnerable group such as young children, we need to participate and expose them to the best possible role models to help them construct an image of their own identity through positive character representation.

Accordingly, with principles of equality and feminism now in the forefront of public discourse, we need to think how we can raise young girls to grow up confident and with healthy images of themselves. And literature can offer them many examples of characters they might want to emulate – not simply the ‘strong female character’ trope, but diverse girl characters – emotional girls, stubborn girls, shy girls, talented girls, smart girls, imaginative girls.

Books do not have to have female lead characters in order for them to have a positive impact on girls – you can choose from many which feature girls among the protagonists. It’s worth noting that these books are not only good reading material for girls, but for boys as well – they can learn a great deal from these remarkable heroines and enjoy their adventures along with their female friends. Moreover, these stories impart a healthy and varied image of girls, which can teach boys important lessons in valuing and respecting strong and different women in their lives as they grow up.

Here are some of the books that feature those exact types of characters. Consider reading these with your daughter and afterwards engaging in discussion, pointing out positive aspects of the characters, especially their diversity, character growth, and the fact that not only strong-willed girls are mighty girls.

 

Little Women by Louisa May Alcott (ages 8+)

This classic series by Louisa May Alcott seems like a good start to bring your child into the world of literature. For a century and a half, girls have grown up with the four March sisters, and there is a good reason for that. This is not only a coming-of-age story for girls, but a story about four very different girls and their tight-knit sisterhood. The most obvious role model is Josephine ‘Jo’, a strong-willed, wild girl and aspiring writer, who is stubborn and kind at the same time, always putting family and friends first.

Yet the other three sisters should be considered equally valuable models. The eldest, Meg, illustrates the value of maturity and personal growth, as we see her personality transform from a vain lover of luxuries to a down-to-earth, dedicated family girl. Beth, second to youngest, shows how shy, fearful girls can also have a lasting impact on others and change lives; Beth is hardworking, helpful and humble, a great example of the power of quiet, introverted, peaceful people. Finally, the youngest sister, Amy, considered the most self-centred, selfish and spoiled,  also proves to be a great example of growth, as further along in the story she becomes compassionate and principled. It’s also worth pointing out that this character was based on Louisa May Alcott’s own little sister, who was one of the few women who made it into the art world of Impressionism at the time.

 

The Famous Five by Enid Blyton (ages 6+)

When it comes to tomboy characters, Georgina – George – of the Fantastic Five has always been the pivotal example. With short hair, fierce temper, wild nature, and dressed as a boy, George stands out from the girly-girl type of character usually present in children’s stories. Even in this particular series, we have her friend Anne, part of the five, who is the spot-on picture of the motherly, caring, domestic girl. George, therefore, can be a great example of the fact that not all girls have to have these qualities to be loved. But the greatest importance of her character might be to parents of non-gender-normative girls, those who do not fit into stereotypes, or are particularly masculine from an early age. If you want to support your child’s journey in search of gender identity and show them that they should act as they feel comfortable, without filling a certain mold, this just might be the best book to read and discuss with them.

 

A  Little Princess by Frances Hodgson Burnett (ages 7+)

Another beloved classic is famous for its young protagonist, Sara Crewe, who has influenced generations of girls over the years. In this well-known story about a girl who seemingly lost everything in a day, we can see the strength of resilience, kindness, and imagination. Sara’s best quality is her willingness to help others, her ability to benefit from other’s happiness and her wild, wonderful imagination that helps her confront events much bigger than herself. If you decide to read this book to your child, be sure to point out Sara’s empathy and strength to deal with other people’s problems, while she also fights her own. Two movies have been made from the book – the famous 30’s version with Shirley Temple, and Alfonso Cuarón’s colorful imaginative version, so we recommend watching them with children after reading the book.

 

Kira-Kira by Cynthia Kadohata (ages 11+)

Kira-Kira deals with the very serious and fraught subject of cancer and illness of a sibling, but if you think your child might be able to deal with this topic and difficult emotions, it’s a great piece of literature from which kids can greatly benefit. This coming-of-age novel has Katie, a Japanese-American girl, as its protagonist, and it follows the narrative of the illness and death of Lynn, her sister and best friend.

Katie is not a typical strong heroine in terms of fighting evil forces, but constantly throughout the book she fights with tragic problems of everyday life, from racism and bullying, to illness and death. Children reading the book should pay extra attention to the changes in character of both Lynn and Katie –  their boldness while they deal with something much bigger than themselves, and their amazing connection and influence on each other. While the book does not deal with happy, light topics, what is key in the story is how Katie manages to see the beauty in things and finds strength even in the darkest times – which is a good lesson to teach a child. Finally, as the characters are of Japanese descent, the story of Katie and Lynn can offer some diversity, as the lack of children’s books with characters of different races and ethnicities is very evident and problematic.

 

A Series of Unfortunate Events by Lemony Snicket (ages 10+)

This very atypical series of books for children might not be for everyone – the series follows, as the name suggests, the unfortunate lives of the Baudelaire orphans, three very special children who find themselves in the middle of terrible tragedies. Even with a storyline like this, Lemony Snicket manages to make books as light-hearted as possible, with quirky humor and strong emphasis on the children themselves and their strengths. The oldest of the orphans is Violet, a brave and smart girl who has a knack for inventions and logic. While she is charming, polite, and kind, she’s not your typical strong-willed heroine, but someone who manages to pull herself and her siblings, Klaus and Sunny, out of various situations using her imaginative brain and her masterful inventions. Violet is a perfect example of the force of intelligence, and she might motivate your young girls to develop a love for inventions, explorations, science, engineering and mechanics.

 

A Great and Terrible Beauty by Libba Bray (ages 14+)

This trilogy falls under the category of young adult fiction, so it is not exactly reading material for very young girls, but it’s a great book for your teens. Set in Victorian England, this fantasy fiction, set in an all-girls school and magical realms, features best friends, each one a great example of a well-written, well-rounded character with both good and bad sides. The heroine and narrator, Gemma, is an obvious role model, being strong, brave, and full of hope and kindness.

However, her friends are even more interesting in that regard. Felicity, who starts off as Gemma’s enemy, grows into her faithful friend and proves to be a woman-warrior, going against all the norms of her society. Stubborn and strong-willed, she’s not always right or kind, yet she can be a thrilling character for your fierce, rebellious girl. Poor, shy, and hard-working Ann starts as a closed-off character with an unfortunate fate ahead of her, only to grow out of her shell throughout the book and follow her dream. On top of it all, the trilogy also features a great spectrum of strong and amazing female teacher and tutor characters, and a great representation of multi-ethnic romance. Readers should reflect on how these girls work on their  personal growth, try to be the best versions of themselves, turning more and more towards their growing friendship.

 

 

These are only some of the titles that can prove to be useful when trying to find quality reading material for your children. Reading and discussing literature is always valuable for children, so these book will hopefully make it even more fun and influential.

References:

  1. Hall S. 1973. Encoding and decoding in the television discourse. Univ. Birmingham, Centre for Contemporary Cultural Studies. Stenciled Occ. Pap., No 7. Media Ser.

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Learned Helplessness in a School Context: What It Is and How to Deal with It

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Imagine a student who’s repeatedly experiencing failure in school. As time goes by and they continue to fail, they start to put in less and less effort as they get the impression that no matter what they do and how much effort they put in, they’ll still fail. Let’s imagine for a second that a student has failed a math exam for the third time in a row. They may start to think that math is too hard for them to understand or even that they’re too dumb for school/math, which can negatively affect their self-confidence and self-respect. The underlying problem is that their lack of trying causes them to fail once more and thus reinforce their negative beliefs about themselves. In other words, they set themselves up to fail before they even try. Ultimately, this can lead to them believing that they’re not capable of overcoming difficulties at school.

This case is illustrative of learned helplessness, the belief that our own behavior has no influence on consequent events [3]. Although learned helplessness can develop in students who don’t fail that often, children who repeatedly fail are at greater risk of developing it [2].

It’s clear from the above-mentioned example that learned helplessness affects three different aspects of one’s functioning [1]:

  1. Motivational: Children lack the will to try to accomplish something and are discouraged to make an effort, believing that their learning process is out of their control.
  2. Cognitive: Students have the notion that failure is inevitable (even though that’s not true), as they miss seeing the logical connection between trying and succeeding (and not trying and failing).
  3. Emotional: Children start to think less of themselves and start to doubt their own abilities, which can lead to lowered self-esteem and even depression.

In this article we will first look at how to identify learned helplessness in the classroom and then explore ways teachers can address it.

How to Spot Learned Helplessness in the Classroom

– A student shows signs of low motivation for work and looks disinterested and passive in class.

– A student rarely asks questions or shows genuine interest and enthusiasm towards topics during class, so the teacher must engage them as they don’t tend to show initiative [4].

– A student is quick to answer the teacher’s question with “I don’t know” or “I’m not sure”, without really putting any thought into it [4].

– A student has a tendency to get easily discouraged when a teacher corrects them or points out a mistake in their work – this makes them feel like they won’t be able to finish the task [4].

– Getting a bad grade doesn’t make them sweat, as they’re used to it and think that no matter what they do at school, a bad grade is inevitable.

The Importance of Mindset

In another article, we discussed different Mindsets children develop during childhood and at school. In short, students who have developed Growth mindset perceive their abilities as something that can be changed and developed over time. They tend to seek challenges and get engaged when facing obstacles, knowing that’s a good way to increase their knowledge and skills. On the other hand, students with Fixed mindset believe that their abilities are carved in stone and can never be changed, so when they fail, they start to question their abilities. In other words, they make the mistake of attributing their failure to something they can’t influence, instead of towards the effort they put into studying. So, when a student who believes that abilities are unchangeable repeatedly fails in school, they might conclude that there’s nothing they can do to change that, so they just stop trying and start to feel helpless.

This notion is important to bear in mind, because addressing the mindset of a student is an important step in overcoming learned helplessness.

How Can Teachers Help Students Overcome Learned Helplessness?

  1. Tackling the Motivational Aspect

– Encourage the Effort and Assure Them There’s No Reason to be Afraid of Making a Mistake. A student’s motivation is a fragile thing. It can be easily diminished. Making a mistake in class tends to put pressure on students and can make them feel like failures. In reality, they cannot grow without making some mistakes, which is something they need to understand. Try not to be critical when they give a wrong answer, otherwise they can develop a fear of trying and making an error. Students should be comfortable with exploring new ideas, without having to worry whether they might make a mistake. So, it’s important that the teacher reassures them that making mistakes is fine, as long they keep going and keep trying.

– Take Special Care Not to Overlook Quiet Students. A student can also develop low motivation in the classroom by being overlooked by the teacher and not being given enough responsibilities when it comes to school tasks. Teachers should take great care and give special attention to children who are shy or who feel less competent than their peers, because they need the teacher’s help to become motivated and engaged in school.

  1. Tackling the Cognitive Aspect

– Show Them the Difference Between Growth Mindset (effort) and Fixed Mindset (abilities). Be sure to emphasize the effort students put into studying for a test, and not some innate abilities they possess. It may be helpful to say something along the lines of “If you study hard for this test, you’ll certainly do well and your effort will be rewarded”. They need to learn that studying is not about manifesting some unchangeable trait or intelligence, but rather that it’s all about the effort, which is what increases knowledge and skills. In other words, they need to adjust their Mindset and learn to take control of their academic performance.

Educational therapists who work with children with learned helplessness have a great way of illustrating this [1]:

They would turn off the light in a room and ask a student, “Does this mean there is no more light?”

A student will say, “No, the light went off because you turned off the switch”.

The therapists then say, “There’s a switch in your head that you turned off because you didn’t like what was happening in school.”

This can help student change their rationale for failure from “I’m dumb” to “I turned off my switch”, meaning “I didn’t put in the effort”.

  1. Tackling the Emotional Aspect

– Slowly Build Their Confidence by Providing Them More Time and Help. When a student doesn’t have the inclination to really think about the questions teachers ask in class, and easily gives up, it’s important that educators do their best to encourage them to try to nevertheless put some thought into it. For example, you can guide them with additional, easier questions so that they can, with your help, come to the correct conclusion. You can also encourage them to take their time or consult a classmate sitting next to them before answering a question.

– Praise the Effort, Not Just the Outcome! It’s important not to miss the opportunity to praise the effort a student had put into coming up with an answer, even if it may not be entirely correct. Students often have good initial ideas, but they tend to stumble somewhere along the way. If a student who’s experiencing learned helplessness really tries hard but still gets the answer wrong, it’s very important to give them a “Good job!” or “I like the way you’re thinking”, because they need ongoing encouragement to continue making an effort in the classroom. This feedback should be well timed in order for them to make use of it.

If they’re not doing well in school at all, it’s unrealistic to expect that they’ll start getting the best grades right away. It’s a process and that’s why it’s crucial that the teacher provides encouragement and praise along the way, to let them know that they’re improving, and also to make sure their motivation isn’t fading.

If you’re a parent and you suspect your children are showing signs of learned helplessness regarding school, it’s perhaps a good idea to talk to their teachers or consider consulting our experts here at Nobel Coaching & Tutoring.

References:

  1. Gordon, R., & Gordon, M. (2006). The turned-off child: Learned helplessness and school failure. American Book Publishing.
  2. Licht, B. G., & Kistner, J. A. (1986). Motivational problems of learning-disabled children: Individual differences and their implications for treatment. Psychological and educational perspectives on learning disabilities, 225-255.
  3. Seligman, M. E. P. (1975). Helplessness. New York: Freeman
  4. Yates, S. (2009). Teacher identification of student learned helplessness in mathematics. Mathematics Education Research Journal, 21(3), 86-106.

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Moms are Superheroes

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Mothering is one of the most demanding jobs there is. Of course, the rewards are great – seeing your children grow up to be happy and independent, enjoying all the smiles, games, and trips along the way. But that doesn’t mean it’s easy. In honor of this year’s Mothers’ Day, we’ve decided to dedicate the following to moms. We want to thank you for raising us and making us into the people we are today by reminding you that even superheroes like you need some time for themselves.

Is Mothering a Full-Time Job?

Your instinctive answer as a mother will probably be – yes!, especially if you have very young kids. But that doesn’t need to be – and shouldn’t be – the case. If you have someone to help you out – a husband, a sister, a friend, a mother – don’t take it all upon yourself! Some mothers feel like they need to be with their newborns 24/7, and if they don’t, they’re somehow failing them. That is far from the truth. Your baby needs to get their sleep, be well-rested and happy, so why do you think you don’t deserve the same? You don’t need to do everything alone.

Finding Time for Yourself is a MUST

The happiest mothers are those who regularly find some time to do what they love – read, go swimming, grab a cup of coffee with their friends. And happy mothers are more likely to raise happy kids! If your child is always seeing you tired, cranky, and wishing you were somewhere else, but not actually going, they’ll start feeling bad. If they’re very young, they may not be able to verbalize their feelings, but you’ll notice it in their play or the general change in their behavior.

Many mothers don’t want to be away from their child because they feel they should be always there for them to give them the best possible childhood. But by doing this at your own expense, you’ll eventually guilt-trip them and they’ll end up feeling sad for you: “My mom gave me everything, and I took her life away in return!”

Here’s a couple things you can do instead to ensure both you and your child are happy, healthy, and enjoy a great relationship.

Activities for Busy Superheroes

  1. Ask for help.

Needing help when you work 24 hours a day, 7 days a week is nothing to be ashamed of. [2] It doesn’t make you a failure – on the contrary, it means you care enough about your health and the well-being of your child to not let your pride get the best of you. Having your husband take care of the baby while you go out for an hour isn’t the end of the world. If there’s no one around to help you, hiring a babysitter once a week doesn’t mean you aren’t fit to be a mom: it simply means that you need time to recharge your batteries, just like anyone else. You don’t have to do it all alone, nor should you.

  1. Leave the house. [4]

If you spend all of your time inside the house feeling tired, you’ll soon start associating your home with negative feelings and emotions. Some moms tend to feel like leaving the house even for an hour would mean abandoning their child. “What if this happens? What if my husband/babysitter forgets to do that? No, I’d better stay home and make sure everything is okay.” These thoughts and the overprotectiveness behind them will only make you even more stressed and lead to you feeling chained to the baby’s room.

So remember this: leaving your house and child for an hour or two doesn’t mean you are a bad mother! Even you need some time to blow off steam and forget about crying, diapers, and the lack of sleep. Go for a walk; go to your favorite coffee shop with your best friend; do something you used to do before becoming a mother. You deserve to have something else in your life, too.

  1. Find your identity [3]

Remembering and practicing things that used to bring you joy is very important for mothers. Even if you are a stay-at-home mom and you’re completely devoted to your child, thinking of motherhood as your defining characteristic can eventually lead to negative emotions. One day, your child will grow up and leave to start their own life, and if being a mother is your only – or the most important part of your identity – you’ll be in trouble. You’ll probably be left with very strong feelings seeing the empty nest, and without other things to bring you joy, become increasingly sad.

That’s one of the reasons that finding your true self as a person, not only as a mother, matters. Do you like painting? Swimming? Getting together with your best friends? Then don’t forget to do these things occasionally. Try to figure out what you liked doing before and what you’d like to see yourself doing in twenty years – and pursue that.

  1. Get enough sleep [3]

This might sound like a fairytale, especially if you have a baby at home. However, it’s crucial for you to be able to get some healthy sleep in order to be fully focused and prepared to do all the necessary, everyday-baby-things. This is connected to our first tip: if you’ve already gone for a week without decent sleep and every time you sit down you end up nodding off, ask for help. Ask your husband to be responsible for the baby the next night, get some ear plugs and tell him to only wake you up if it’s really important. If you’re a single mom, try to find someone who will do that for you, even if only for a single night. You can also take advantage of the time of day when your baby sleeps and use it – sleep when they sleep, instead of using that time to clean up the house or cook. A day of healthy sleep is much more important than cleaning some week-old dust.

  1. Practice mindfulness and meditation [1]

The good thing with this is that you can choose when and where to do it – and really, it can be anywhere and anytime, so it can fit any schedule! Practicing mindfulness is about accepting things as they come. For example, if you’re having negative thoughts about yourself and believe you should be doing more, try to experience those thoughts as a wave of sorts: don’t shy away from them, but don’t overthink, either. Accept that these thoughts will find their way to you every once in a while and do your best to not give them too much value. Do your best, practice recognizing the negativity in your life, and don’t beat yourself up about every little thing.

Meditating has enormous benefits, especially when it comes to stress and negativity. By learning to clear your mind, you’ll be able to find some time for yourself where you’ll simply enjoy breathing and not thinking about what you should do next.

  1. Teach your kids responsibility

And finally, teach your children to be responsible for themselves from an early age. This does not mean they should be cooking dinner at the tender age of seven, but if you can send them to school alone and teach them to be responsible enough to send you a message when they arrive (same thing with visiting a friend), it will give you some time for yourself. As they grow up, they’ll get to be more and more responsible, both inside and outside of the house,  and you’ll be having more and more hours to spend taking care of yourself.

 

References:

  1. Shapiro, S. & Brown, K. (2007). Teaching Self-Care to Caregivers: Effects of Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction on the Mental Health of Therapists in Training. Training and Education in Professional Psychology, Vol. 1, No.2, pp. 105-115
  2. https://www.huffingtonpost.com/mia-redrick/mom-selfcare-is-nonnegoti_b_1171034.html
  3. https://www.huffingtonpost.com/deborah-chalk/10-essential-selfcare-practices-for-mothers_b_7303910.html
  4. https://www.parents.com/parenting/moms/healthy-mom/17-habits-of-very-happy-moms/

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When More Help is Needed

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If you don’t like something, change it; if you can’t change it, change the way you think about it. – Mary Engelbreit

We all want to feel calm, contented, and joyful as much as possible in our daily lives, and most of us strive to capture those feelings by making choices that enhance our lives. There are times, though, when every one of us feels down, unhappy, sad, angry, anxious… These unwelcome feelings may last for hours, days, or even months.

Duration is not the only important criterion for seeking support. Another important factor is effort; some episodes are easier to overcome than others, which require more effort and energy. We manage to solve some situations ourselves, but there are some for which we may seek help from a close friend or a loved one. And then there are those particularly difficult times when we feel like we’ve tried everything we know how to do and the problem is not yet resolved, even with the help of people close to us.

So what then? Begin by answering these two questions:

Has something been bothering you for too long?

Does the feeling interfere with your daily life?

If the answer to at least one question is yes and if you’re struggling, seek additional help.

Although there are many ways we can help ourselves increase our own happiness and well being, sometimes it’s best to seek mental-health support from a trained professional.

Professional counseling

What is professional counseling?

It is a collaborative effort between the counselor and client [6]. Counselors work with clients on strategies to overcome the obstacles and personal challenges they’re facing. A counselor may help clients reach their mental health, wellness, education, and career goals. For example, they can help clients with making school choices, getting a relationship on the right track, recovering from trauma, reaching their full potential, and so much more [2].

What are the benefits of counseling?

A counselor may help clients deal with the specific problems that are bothering them. Also, a counselor may help clients work to achieve goals in school or college. Furthermore, clients may learn how to become aware of their decision-making tendencies and avoid making bad choices to prevent future problems. Another goal of counseling is to encourage wellness – the state of being in good health and well being, so you can find meaning and fulfillment in life [4].

Should you choose to seek help from a professional counselor, do not expect things to change too fast or too easily – counseling requires fairly intense desire, time, and effort commitments. The return on this commitment is worthwhile, though, and you should know that even the smallest step forward is getting you closer toward achieving your goal!

How can a counselor help?

Well, while it might seem “nice” for a counselor to give you advice on what to do, that answer might not be one that works for you [3]. And, let’s be real – how do we react when someone tells us what to do? Often, we react adversely immediately. A counselor helps you sort out your thoughts through active listening and specialized therapeutic techniques. Clients often find their own answers buried beneath the chatter in their brain.

Logically, the first step toward counseling is deciding to see a counselor. Still, many individuals who could benefit from counseling never seek the help they need [1]. So counseling suffers from one serious limitation: It can only help those who seek it out.

Barriers to seeking help

What prevents people from seeking help? Some of the key themes in the barriers young people identified were [5]:

  1.      Stigma

This is the most frequently reported of all the barriers. It includes public, perceived, and self-stigmatizing attitudes to mental issues. These create embarrassment and fear of being identified with a mental-health problem or seeking help for it. Also, young people are usually concerned about what others, including the counselor, might think of them if they were to seek help.

  1.      Difficulty identifying the extent of their distress or depression

Young people often don’t know how to identify when the difficulties they’re facing are beyond the “normal” response to stress. Also, some people are aware of their distress, but continuously alter their definition of “normal” distress to avoid seeking help.

  1.     Confidentiality and trust

A major concern for youth is a lack of trust with respect to the potential source of help. Concern about confidentiality and trust may also relate to stigma, where fear of a breach in confidentiality stems from the fear of stigma and embarrassment should peers and family find out that the young person had sought help.

  1.    Self-reliance

Studies show that adolescents and young adults prefer to rely on themselves rather than seek outside help for their problems. The act of asking for help from someone else is often seen as an indicator of weakness or incapability of dealing with problems in life.

Looking for a way to overcome these barriers and get the support you need? Nobel Coaching & Tutoring is a confidential, online coaching service that can help you find your own answers and teach the skills you need to become even more self-reliant. What is really good is that our coaches insist on a highly individualized approach. We all differ from one another and something that would be helpful for one person wouldn’t be for someone else. Find out what our coaches do and what our coaches can help you with at Nobel Coaching.

Resources:

[1] Andrews, G., Issakidis, C., & Carter, G. (2001). Shortfall in mental health service utilization. British Journal of Psychiatry, 179, 417–425.

[2] Counseling Awareness Month. (n.d.). Retrieved April 16, 2018, from

https://www.counseling.org/counselorshelp

[3] Get help if you’re struggling. (n.d.). Retrieved April 18, 2018, from

http://www.actionforhappiness.org/take-action/get-help-if-youre-struggling

[4]  Gladding, S. T. (2012). Counseling: A comprehensive profession. Pearson Higher Ed.

[5] Gulliver, A., Griffiths, K. M., & Christensen, H. (2010). Perceived barriers and facilitators to mental health help-seeking in young people: A systematic review. BMC Psychiatry,10(1). doi:10.1186/1471-244x-10-113

[6] What is Professional Counseling? (n.d.). Retrieved April 15, 2018, from

https://www.counseling.org/aca-community/learn-about-counseling/what-is-counseling/overview

 

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Why is Reading in Childhood Important?

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I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. – Groucho Marx

Children use their phones, browse the internet, and watch television from an early age. Although there are some benefits to that, there are also risks, like investing too much time in social media, video games, etc. This usually leads to their completely neglecting to read books, which are essential to their growth and development. In this article, we’ll cover numerous reasons why reading books is so important, but also provide parents with advice on how to encourage reading from an early age.

Four Reasons Why Your Children Should Be Reading

  1. Development of Language and the Understanding of Complex Concepts

The most obvious reason why reading books is important is that it allows children to expand and enrich their vocabulary and develop literacy skills. By reading a book, children encounter phrases and words that are not frequently used in casual communication, which they’ll then be able to use themselves in conversation.

Stories and situations in books are usually described vividly and in a lot of detail that helps with the understanding of complex and abstract concepts. It’s easier for a child to understand the concept of compassion when the feelings of a literary character are thoroughly described and some context is provided, rather than by simply reading the definition in a dictionary. This way, a child is re-living the character’s experience that’s making those concepts relatable, so they’re able to better comprehend them. Furthermore, younger children often read out loud, which helps them to learn the correct pronunciation of words.

  1. Memory Boosting

Most books comprise many different characters. In order to properly follow a storyline, children need to remember the characters (their names and characteristics) and learn to differentiate between them. Following and remembering a plot line is also important for understanding the story. By doing all of this, they’re sharpening their memory skills. Children will often want to recount interesting events from a book to their friends or parents, so they’ll try to recall the story correctly and tell it in coherent way. However, they may have difficulty remembering some important details from the story, so parents need to guide them by asking questions, and help them see the importance of this skill. This is another great way of developing a child’s memory from an early age.

Good reading and memory skills enhance children’s confidence as they start school. Children who began reading at an early age will approach their new commitments at school with more ease and self-confidence and can be more enthusiastic when it comes to reading for book reports, etc.

  1. Development of Imagination and Creativity

Every book is a world of its own. By reading a book, children encounter all sorts of new ideas, both realistic and unrealistic, magical and mythological, that help develop their imagination. They learn to differentiate between what’s real and what’s make-believe. They can envision new worlds and play with ideas, but also learn that they can think about something without having to actually look at it. They learn that with imagination they can reach much greater distances than by simply observing the physical world with their own eyes. Stimulating imagination further helps in developing creativity. Children often show this through their drawings, but it can also lead to the development of valuable skills later in life.

  1. Coping with Feelings

Stories provide a great way for children to step into a literary character’s shoes and see things from a different perspective. This is important because it helps them understand a perspective that’s not their own and where the centre of the attention is not on them. At the same time, this practice teaches them to understand and share the feelings of other persons (i.e. empathy).

Furthermore, going on a journey in someone else’s shoes is very beneficial when it comes to the regulation of their own emotions. If children are having problems, such as, for example, being unpopular at school, having anxiety when with a group of peers, etc., reading about similar experiences of someone else helps them have a better understanding of their own feelings, and feel a sense of relief that someone shares their problems. Or, if they have anticipatory anxiety about their first day at school, they can find a book that describes someone else’s pleasant experiences when going to school and see that their fear is not justified.

To find out more about the benefits of reading, check out this guide from our friends at Mom Loves Best!

How to Encourage Your Children to Read

– Read to your children at an early age. It’s an excellent way to bond and create memories your children will cherish for life. It’s a practice you should start when they’re very young, because it helps them develop a love for stories and books before they even learn to read. Make sure to encourage them to ask you to explain the meaning of a word if you stumble upon some they don’t yet understand. Hearing you read to them will enable them to hear the correct pronunciation of words and improve their verbal fluency. Continue reading to them even when they learn to read on their own.

– Surround them with books. A stimulative environment has a great effect on children. Make sure to have a book collection appropriate to children their age in your home that they can easily pick up if they feel like reading. Also, get a library card you can use together, or get them one that they can use on their own. Ask your children about which books they’d like to read and help them look them up. It’s sometimes hard for children to find a book they’d like to read without someone’s help. Make a habit out of going to book fairs, where you can take the entire family and have lots of fun and at the same time fill your house with more books.

– Be a role model. Chances are children will pick up a book as well if they see their parents reading often and enjoying it. Try talking to them about stories and books you’ve read about to raise their interest and tickle their imagination.

“My Children Get Bored with Reading. What Should I Do?”

We understand that sometimes it’s hard to get children interested in reading, especially if they’re fed up with classical literature from school. Luckily, there are some alternatives that might get them to love books and make the transition to classical literature a bit easier.

– Audio books. If you can’t find the time to read to your kids very often, you should try playing them pre-recorded audio of you reading, or even try playing them audio books you can find online (check out the bottom of this article, where you can find some websites with free audio books for children). Audio books are a great way of engaging children in reading by taking some of the “pressure” off them if they are struggling. Some students need to have the audio content to follow along with the written content.

– Comics/Graphic books. Comics are a great medium, especially for children who are just learning to read. You wouldn’t want to overwhelm them straight away with too many words and complex sentences. Instead, you should first get them interested in colorful books with lots of pictures or drawings. At the end of the article, we’ve provided a website where you can find some book recommendations for younger children. For slightly older kids, you have a wide variety of superhero comics, which they’ll most likely love. If you’re not familiar with comics, and aren’t sure which ones to get, you can go to a comic-book store and ask about some comics that are appropriate for your children’s age.

If your children are struggling with language or reading, here at Nobel Coaching you can find many tutors who can help them. Also, be sure not to neglect negative feelings children tend to have about school, and, if necessary, think about reaching out to our coaches who can help your children discover their strengths and motivations, and build more positive feelings towards school, and ultimately reach their potential as students.

 

 

Resources:

Comics for younger children: http://mentalfloss.com/article/62202/10-great-kids-comics-early-readers

Free audiobooks: https://www.storynory.com/

 

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Good Parenting without Overmonitoring – Yes, It’s Possible!

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Have you ever been tempted to read your teen’s diary or check their Facebook messages? Have you ever made a social media profile so you could spy on their online activities? Do you make very strict rules for your teen without allowing them to question them and invite you to a debate?

If the answer to some or all of these is YES – then this is just the article for you, because we’ll explain how you can navigate the continuum of monitoring your teen in a healthy way that maintains communication, trust, and your overall relationship.

We Know You Are Worried!

You hear of all these terrible things on the news, or even in your own neighborhood – underage drinking, drugs, accidents… So it’s perfectly normal to be worried that, with the right combination of circumstances, your teen might become susceptible to some of these high-risk behaviors. With that in mind, knowing where your child is and who their friends are – that is to say, a little bit of monitoring – is not a bad thing. [1] The thing that damages parent-teen relationships is extreme monitoring. [3] It’s when parents, in an attempt to calm themselves down and protect their child, resort to what teens would call “extreme measures” or strict parenting: being home by a certain time and not one minute later, always volunteering to chaperone or attend their social events so you can see who they are with and what they’re doing, asking (or trying) to see their instant messages so you can be certain there is no mention of unwanted activities in there.

So after you’ve done this, you feel calmer and believe you now know everything there is to know about your teen. Meanwhile, a young person with the need for psychological and physical autonomy is ignoring you, answering all your questions with one-syllable words, and spending more and more time outside the house, or in their own room. You will have inevitably hurt your relationship with your child in an attempt to keep them safe.

But what if we told you that over-monitoring is exactly what might cause them to engage in some of those unwanted things you were trying to prevent? Moreover, what if we showed you that creating a warm but firm relationship that still allows them some freedom will lead to them being much more open to you and you knowing much more about them and the way they spend their time?

Why Extreme Monitoring Does not Work

Just because you have established some hard rules and checked their messages does not necessarily mean you now have full control over their comings and goings. Much of the conflict between parents and teens could be avoided with some honest talk. In fact, much of the rebelling and rule-breaking happens as a response of teens who feel like they have no control over their own lives. [2] So in an attempt to both gain some control and get back at their parents, they may intentionally act in the very way you were trying to prevent.

For example, you have a rule that you always drop them off when they go to a friend’s house, so you know who they’ll be with and where. But as soon as your car turns the corner, they might leave with that friend, meet with some different people and go to a different place. And whether you come to know about it or not, they’ll be happy. If you don’t find out, that means they’re getting away with it. If you do, they’ll feel like they’re getting back at you for the lack of autonomy.

Similarly, if you ask to read their texts, they might find their way around that as well. They could buy another phone you don’t know about, or have a profile on some social network hidden from you. What we want to say is this: prying and asking to have complete control over someone, even if they are your child and still live under your roof will only succeed in making you feel better temporarily. In the long run, it might lead to the exact opposite of what you’re trying to accomplish, and it will definitely affect your relationship with them. Your alleged selfless act of overprotecting through extreme monitoring is actually quite self-regarding in that it only relieves your worry in the short-term while increasing the odds of your teen feeling resentment towards you.

Full Disclosure is the Only True Knowledge

Research shows that when parents know about their child’s real whereabouts, it comes from the child themselves, and their decision to be honest, rather than through extreme monitoring. [3] In order to create a positive atmosphere that will allow them to open themselves to you, no matter how scared or embarrassed they feel, you might want to give authoritative parenting a chance. [2] A parent who nurtures this style is warm but firm, and they give their child the freedom to choose their own beliefs and make their own choices. A lot of research has shown that this way of parenting leads to the healthiest, happiest, and academically most successful children. [2]

So how would an authoritative parent handle potential conflicts?

For one, they would still be interested in their child’s life, but in a warm, healthy way. They wouldn’t ask questions like “How many people will there be? What will you be doing?” or mandate a curfew time. Instead, they would simply ask – “So what is this party about?”, and allow their child to tell them everything they want to disclose. If they want to warn them, they won’t do it through harsh words and placing blame, automatically not trusting their teen to make a wise choice. Instead, they would say “I hope you understand that I’m a little bit worried that there will be alcohol there, but I will trust you not to drink.” This way, the child won’t feel threatened. They’ll just feel guilty at the thought of disappointing you, and that has proven to be a much better prevention technique.

However, an authoritative parent still needs to set some rules – but they’ll do so with the help of the child. If you’re deciding on a curfew and believe 11 pm is late enough, consult with your teen and listen to their opinions. If they tell you that everyone else can return by midnight, that they’ll have friends to accompany them on their way home instead of going alone, and that they’ll be responsible, maybe think about giving them the benefit of the doubt – especially if they’ve never given you a reason to doubt them before. Making parenting decisions based on trust will help them make choices to keep that trust.

If the trust is weakened through a broken rule, the consequences need to be just as clear and reasonable for the type of rule that was broken.

Tell them, for example, that they can be home by midnight, but if they are even a minute late, they won’t be getting that late a curfew any time soon. As much as an authoritative parent wants to give their child freedom, they still need a firm set of rules that they decide on together with their child. Setting rules is a positive thing, and it leads to much better decisions than monitoring and blocking someone’s psychological development. It will also teach them responsibility and independence much better than you going everywhere with them and checking their every move.

Some Final Words of Wisdom

Imagine a line with “no monitoring” on one side and “extreme monitoring” on the other side. People are most comfortable in their working environments and in relationships in the middle of that line. At work, you probably don’t like being micromanaged and having to account for each and every move you make, but you thrive when your work is being noticed and your superiors care about the circumstances of your work and the outcomes of your efforts. Teens are similar – they want their parents to care about them and have clear expectations and limits, but are also seeking autonomy in order to build their identities. Parents may feel a sense of security through extreme monitoring; however, it may cause more damage than the effort intends.

You’ve heard that adolescence is often accompanied by a great deal of conflict, but the thing is, it only happens if parents’ and teens’ views on autonomy are completely different. Everyone wants to feel like they have control over their own life, while parents find it hard to watch their child separate themselves and spend less and less time with their family. The best way to get through this is to start treating them more like an adult and less like a child, as long as they keep proving they can be responsible for themselves. This kind of atmosphere will allow them to tell you everything, as they won’t fear your judgment. The possibility to negotiate future rules and consequences that impact their choices, all while building their understanding that you want to keep them both happy and safe, will lead to them being much happier and more open. You’ll have peace of mind and your teen will have the comfort of a healthy, trusting, and supportive relationship with their parents.

References:

  1. Dishon, T. (1998). Parental Monitoring and the Prevention of Child and Adolescent Problem Behavior: A Conceptual and Empirical Formulation. Clinical Child and Family Psychology Review, Vol.1, No. 1, pp. 61-73.
  2. Steinberg, L. (2001). Parental Monitoring and the Prevention of Child and Adolescent Problem Behavior: A Conceptual and Empirical Formulation. Journal of Research on Adolescence, Vol.11, No.1, pp. 1-19.
  3. Stattin, H. (2000). What Parents Know, How They Know It, and Several Forms of Adolescent Adjustment: Further Support for a Reinterpretation of Monitoring. Developmental Psychology, Vol.36, No. 3, pp. 366-380.

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Raising Your Children with Laughter

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Why did the kid cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.

Nothing warms a parent’s heart like seeing or hearing their children laugh. Kids start to develop a sense of humor from an early age, but it’s not as sophisticated at that time as it will be when they grow up. Babies will react with laughter to funny noises or faces, and especially to physical touch (e.g. tickling or raspberries). The game of peekaboo is the funniest thing in the world to a one-year-old, but later on, they won’t find it funny at all. As we can see, at this age, a child’s sense of humor mostly consists of reacting to others doing something funny and trying to make them laugh. When children learn to speak, they start to make their own jokes and take a much more active role in humorous interactions with others. This is important because devising their own jokes helps them in the process of learning and mastering language.

School-age children begin to use humor not only for its intrinsic value but also for a social purpose, such as joking to avoid embarrassment or to create solidarity among peers [1]. By the time they reach the secondary level, they have a better grasp of what words mean and can get into wordplay and create some more complex forms of humor, such as sarcasm.

Everyone wants to be seen as funny and witty, but what makes humor in children especially important?

The Importance of Being Humorous

First of all, engaging in humor helps children see the joy of life and teaches them not to take themselves too seriously – that’s what adulthood is for (just kidding!). A good sense of humor helps with the development of spontaneity and the ability to put themselves in other people’s shoes. When exchanging jokes with peers, children practice thinking in a more unconventional manner, as well as being creative and quick.

Humor is also a good way of connecting with one’s parents and peers. Researchers found that kids who are better at making and understanding jokes are more socially competent, more popular, have better prosocial skills, and are less likely to be depressed [3, 6]. In other words, a good sense of humor can help children feel more competent and in control of social interactions at school and with their peers.

The use of humor is also linked to better physical health, and, some studies show that humor has a similar effect on reducing stress levels as physical exercise [6, 7]. In other words, humor is a great way to relieve oneself of tension. Instead of dwelling too long on a stressful situation, looking at the positive aspects and even laughing at the whole thing after resolving it can help build a positive attitude.

Nevertheless, you should bear in mind that not all humor is benevolent. There are some types of humor that are less desirable, such as off-color humor, or jokes at the expense of others that should be discouraged.

Humor Styles Children Use

Psychologists describe four general humor styles school-children and adolescents use, and we’ll take a look at each one of them [3, 4, 5]. The first two types of humor listed are considered to be adaptive, as they build relationships or one’s own ability to cope. The second two are considered to be maladaptive, as they harm – either one’s own self or other people (peers, teachers, etc.).

  1. Affiliative humor is a well-meaning, benevolent style of humor which children use to amuse other people, to facilitate relationships, and reduce interpersonal tensions. They often engage in spontaneous witty interactions, tell jokes, or say funny things about themselves, and at the same time not take themselves too seriously.
  2. Self-Enhancing humor is used to maintain a positive and humorous outlook on life, to boost one’s mood or deal with stressful situations. It’s regarded as a healthy defense mechanism that helps one avoid negative emotions. As one girl puts it: “When someone was upset we would say, ‘turn that frown upside down.’ The other person would always be looking down so you would bend over and go upside-down and make a silly face and it would always just make whichever one of us feel much better” [2].
  3. Self-Defeating style of humor is an attempt to amuse others by doing or saying something at one’s own expense or laughing along with others when ridiculed as a means of gaining approval. Self-defeating humor is often related to low self-confidence and emotional neediness, and it’s used by “class clowns” in school, as well as children who are being bullied [1, 5].
  4. Aggressive humor is used at the expense of others, often without regard for the potential negative impact on them and their feelings. It includes the use of humor to manipulate others by means of ridicule. The examples of this humor style are sarcasm, teasing, “put-downs”, etc. Bullies can use not only aggressive humor but affiliative as well. Bullies who use affiliative humor are often good at social skills and use this type of humor to harass children who are not part of their social group, or to emphasize their own importance in the group. Furthermore, by using aggressive humor, they demean their peers in front of others or exclude rejected children by spreading rumors in a way that does not exceed the social norms of their group [6].

Parents should learn to differentiate between different types of humor, then set some boundaries, with themselves and their children, so as not to encourage inappropriate humor. When children make a rude, hurtful, or untimely joke, a parent can either not laugh, or even better, explain to them why the joke isn’t funny. Modeling how to respond to aggressive humor can help them respond appropriately to their peers when something hurtful or rude is put in a “just joking” form. Furthermore, children sometimes have trouble determining the appropriate place and time for a joke, so parents should try to provide them guidance in those moments.  For example, using “potty” humor at a sleepover with friends is probably okay, but saying the same type of jokes in class at school is not okay and may be considered rude or disrespectful.

How to Encourage Your Child’s Sense of Humor

– Make sure to create an environment with lots of humor and fun. If you have younger children, surround them with humorous books, or funny cartoons. If they’re a bit older, books or comics will work as well, but you can also watch comedy TV shows, stand-up comedy shows, and movies together.

– Be their comedy role-model! It’s likely that they’ll develop a great sense of humor if they’re surrounded by their parents telling them funny stories and jokes all the time. Put a smile on their face every day!

–  Encourage your children’s attempts at humor and never miss an opportunity to tell them you loved their joke. If the joke isn’t funny, try complimenting their effort and provide them with advice how to make it even better. Then try out that joke on someone else together. After all, kids learn by doing!

– Try playing The No-Laugh Challenge together. One should really try hard to make the other one laugh, and that person should make every effort not to laugh. It’s a hilarious game which is really hard to win!

The internet is filled with jokes that you can model and teach your kids! Here are just a few from this site:

What did one plate say to the other plate?
Dinner is on me!

Why did the student eat his homework?
Because the teacher told him it was a piece of cake!

How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
You rocket!

Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
Because he felt crummy.

Why are ghosts bad liars?
Because you can see right through them.

We hope you enjoy adding some more humor into your home and your relationship with your kids.  For other ways to boost healthy relationships with your children, check out this article.

References:

  1. Cunningham, J. (2005). Children’s humor. Children’s play. SAGE publications.
  2. Dowling, J. S. (2014). School-age children talking about humor: Data from focus groups. Humor, 27(1), 121-139.
  3. James, L. A., & Fox, C. L. (2016). Children’s understanding of self-focused humor styles. Europe’s journal of psychology, 12(3), 420.
  4. Kuiper, N. A., & Leite, C. (2010). Personality impressions associated with four distinct humor styles. Scandinavian Journal of Psychology, 51(2), 115-122.
  5. Martin, R. A., Puhlik-Doris, P., Larsen, G., Gray, J., & Weir, K. (2003). Individual differences in uses of humor and their relation to psychological well-being: Development of the Humor Styles Questionnaire. Journal of research in personality, 37(1), 48-75.
  6. Semrud-Clikeman, M., & Glass, K. (2010). The relation of humor and child development: Social, adaptive, and emotional aspects. Journal of child neurology, 25(10), 1248-1260.
  7. Szabo, A. (2003). The acute effects of humor and exercise on mood and anxiety. Journal of Leisure Research, 35(2), 152-162.

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How Do We Gain From Being Kind?

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Kindness is one of those paradoxes – we become happier by making other people happier.

This sounds a little weird, right? Usually, when we think of being kind to someone, for example to a friend, we think how that friend can benefit from our actions. But we may also gain from being nice to others, too!

This article will show you the benefits of being kind and suggest some acts of kindness you can add to your daily life.

Benefits of being kind to others

There are many ways of being kind – you can donate, help, volunteer, or anything else that comes to your mind, but each one has benefits for you.

More happiness.

Acting kindly helps you relax and makes you feel good. It is shown that giving to others makes us happier [2]. We’re even happier when we’re buying things for others rather than buying things for ourselves. However, buying things for others is just one way to be kind – you can smile, pay a compliment, and much more.  For example, helping others elevates our mood, makes us happier and more optimistic. These feelings may last for days!

Fewer negative emotions.

In the same way that kindness elicits positive emotions, it reduces negative emotions [5]. If you are kind, you’ll feel less stress – you’re less likely to feel anger, sadness, or fear.

Better health.

Did you know that negative emotions are often harmful to health? Conversely, positive emotions are linked to better health. So kindness has its positive side effects on your health and well-being. It strengthens the immune system and enhances psychological and physical resilience. [5].

Better relationships.

People are drawn to others who are kind and look for this attribute in their romantic relationships and friendships [6]. If we think about this in a school context, it’s good to know that prosocial behavior boosts peer acceptance and popularity [3]. It also reduces the likelihood of being bullied.

Kindness is contagious.

Did you know that observers of a kind act may benefit, too? While witnessing a kind act, the watcher experiences a warm feeling, called elevation, which motivates them to behave positively and helpfully [1]. When you’re being nice to someone, you benefit not just the two of you; you help spread kindness. This way you influence the world for good! 

How to be kind to others?

Kindness doesn’t have to be about money – you can give your time or things you don’t use anymore, help someone, call or text others, etc. Think about what you’re comfortable doing, what is okay for you. Every smile, every thoughtful act counts!

Yet, sometimes it’s hard to start. It helps if you think about small kind acts and write down ideas that cross your mind. Think what could you do today, tomorrow, or on some special day. That way, you’ll more likely spot opportunities when they come up. You could also set out with the intention to perform a kind of act, like, “I’m not coming home until I’ve done something nice for someone else.” Intentional acts set the habit to see other opportunities in the future. Also, you can ask your friends or family members to join you. This way you can exchange ideas, do some things together, and support each other.

Here are some ideas to get you started:

Hold a door open at a store for someone.

Share your lunch with a friend who forgot theirs.

Offer to help your younger siblings with their homework.

Tell your parents how much you love them.

Do a chore you usually don’t do.

Let somebody know you appreciate their help. Show appreciation of others in general.

Give an authentic compliment.

Say please, thank you, and sorry and really mean it.

Volunteer your time for a charity.

Be kind to yourself

Authentic kindness matters. Think about what you appreciate in others. Of course, don’t feel like you need to do more than you can do. Be kind to yourself too!

Being kind to yourself is equally important as being kind to others, sometimes even more so. However, experience suggests people are often much harsher and unkind toward themselves than they would ever be to others they cared about, or even to strangers [4]. But we all should be treated with kindness and caring and you need to treat yourself with the same compassion you extend to everyone else.
So, don’t forget – build a relationship with yourself, befriend yourself. Show kindness and understanding to yourself rather than harsh judgment and self-criticism, especially in instances of pain or failure.

References:

[1] Algoe, S. B., & Haidt, J. (2009). Witnessing excellence in action: The ‘other-praising’ emotions of elevation, gratitude, and admiration. The journal of positive psychology, 4(2), 105-127.

[2]  Dunn, E. W., Aknin, L. B., & Norton, M. I. (2008). Spending money on others promotes happiness. Science, 319(5870), 1687-1688.

[3]  Layous, K., Nelson, S. K., Oberle, E., Schonert-Reichl, K. A., & Lyubomirsky, S. (2012). Kindness counts: Prompting prosocial behavior in preadolescents boosts peer acceptance and well-being. PloS one, 7(12), e51380.

[4] Neff, K. (2003). Self-Compassion: An Alternative Conceptualization of a Healthy Attitude Toward Oneself. Self & Identity, 2(2), 85.

[5] Post, S. G. (2005). Altruism, Happiness, and Health: It’s Good to Be Good. International Journal Of Behavioral Medicine, 12(2), 66-77.

[6] Sprecher, S., & Regan, P. C. (2002). Liking some things (in some people) more than others: Partner preferences in romantic relationships and friendships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 19(4), 463-481.

 

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