The Two Faces Of Perfectionism

In this article, we’ve decided to tackle the topic of good and bad perfectionism. People tend to have very black-and-white views when it comes to this. They think perfectionism is either a great thing that helps us become better, or that it’s a horrible habit which may lead us into depression and anxiety. But as with most things in life, it’s not that simple. There’s the good kind and the bad kind, and we’ll help you learn how to tell them apart and strive for the good one.

Perfectionism As We Know It

Let’s first start with a widely accepted definition of perfectionism. Perfectionism refers to the desire to achieve the highest standards of performance while being extremely critical about one’s performance. [1] Therefore, if you’re a perfectionist, you’ll be setting unrealistically high goals for yourself. Chances are, you’ll also be judging your performance more critically than anyone else, which will lead you to become easily dissatisfied with your actions and achievements.

Man yelling into a phone.

So, in essence, you’re trying to reach something virtually impossible and getting angry at yourself when you make even the slightest mistake. What a paradox!

From this definition, it’s clear that what we usually think of as perfectionism is, in fact, bad for our health and our happiness. Not only are you dissatisfied when you make a mistake (even if you’re the only one who sees it), but even when you are performing well, you’re constantly feeling stressed out. “I can’t make a mistake!” “What if I look silly in front of my co-workers?” “What if I mess this up?”. It’s a lose-lose situation.

What Makes Perfectionism Bad?

So, the bad form of perfectionism stems from a striving that’s turned into a demand. [2] If you keep telling yourself, “I must do this perfectly!”, you’ll be causing yourself a lot of anxiety, maybe even insomnia and depression. Bad perfectionism has as a consequence low self-esteem, unhappiness, and a tendency to react more negatively to feedback. [3]

But if you are only striving for perfection and not demanding it, you’ll be able to work toward accepting yourself with all your flaws much more often. Moreover, you’ll stop seeing each mistake as a failure and accept it for what it is – a normal thing that can happen to anyone and is in no way the end of the world!

Quote that says "if you are only striving for perfection and not demanding it, you’ll be able to work toward accepting yourself with all your flaws much more often. "

The Importance of Self-Acceptance

It may be clear now that the main difference between bad and good perfectionism lies in self-acceptance. [2] You can still have perfectionistic goals, but if you also want to be happier, have better relationships, and be far less stressed out, you’ll also need to develop the ability to accept yourself and your actions non-judgmentally. You can decide to work harder and do better next time, but you won’t be putting yourself down and feeling worthless, and that’s a huge difference.

If you often find yourself feeling like this and it’s bringing you down, there are ways to change this behavior.  Reach out to one of our Coaches and schedule a free 30-minute consultation, which can help you see the possibilities of overcoming the tendency.

Self-Oriented, Other-Oriented, and Socially Prescribed Perfectionism

Another important thing to mention is that perfectionism toward oneself is not the only form of perfectionism. You can also be perfectionistic towards others, which is referred to as Other-Oriented Perfectionism. [2] This can happen to parents, romantic partners, bosses… Instead of placing huge demands on yourself, you may be putting them on others.

Girl sitting at her desk surrounded by books.

Sometimes, parents can, out of the best of intentions, place enormous pressure on their children. “You need to win this game!”, “You have to become valedictorian!”. It can even happen in everyday situations: “You must make a perfect dinner for your husband’s family this Thanksgiving!”

Other-Oriented Perfectionism can result in a child being overly concerned about making a mistake, and always be thinking they’re not good enough, no matter what they do.

Or maybe you were this child. Maybe you had parents or teachers who always expected perfect results, or maybe you have a boss who does the same! This would be the kind of perfectionism called Socially Prescribed Perfectionism. [2] You notice that others have set very high standards for you, and you’re doing your best to prove capable of reaching them, even if it is affecting your health and happiness.

Turning the Bad Into Good

The good news is, you can still strive for more, and encourage your kids to do the same. The formula remains the same: show acceptance, both for yourself and for your children. Give your children time to accept that they’re not perfect before you suggest some things they might think about changing next time. Give them the chance to accept the defeat on their own terms, and help them by hugging them and telling them you are proud of the effort they put into it. Start by letting them know that you accept them – and then maybe take them out for some ice cream. That tends to help as well!

The same thing goes for you. Set realistic goals for yourself and accept that, like every other human being on this planet, you’ll sometimes make mistakes and take more time to reach those goals than you were planning. It doesn’t make you any less good; if anything, it makes you more human.

To Conclude…

… Accepting yourself and others is an essential part of becoming (and raising) healthy, happy, and successful people. Take care of your health and happiness first – and reaching your goals will turn out to be far easier.

References:

  1. Antony, M., Purdon, C., Huta, V., & Swinson, R. (1998). Dimensions of Perfectionism Across the Anxiety Disorders. Behaviour Research and Therapy, Vol. 36, pp. 1143-1154
  2. Lundh, L. (2004). Perfectionism and Acceptance. Journal of Rational-Emotive & Cognitive-Behavior Therapy, Vol. 22, 4, pp.255-267.
  3. Stoeber, J., & Otto, K. (2006). Positive Conceptions of Perfectionism: Approaches, Evidence, Challenges. Personality and Social Psychology Review, Vol. 10, No. 4, pp. 295–319

Black Friday – A Good Day for Sellers, But Is It Really Good for You?

Black Friday has finally come! Although it’s not a national holiday, many people look forward to shopping then. Special offers, deals, and sales are everywhere and you can find a ton of advice on how/where/what to shop, and tips and tricks on how to be “the winner of the day”. But do you really need to buy something just because it’s Black Friday?

Why do we call it Black Friday?

Black Friday, falling on the day after the Thanksgiving holiday, is one of the busiest shopping days of the year. Originally, the term marked the day when a retailer had sold enough inventory and turned a profit for that year. So Black Friday refers to the day of the year when retailers hope to go from being in the “red” (i.e. losing money) to being in the “black” (i.e. making money).

Drawing $ in a notebook

How does Black Friday look today?

These days, since it’s one of the busiest shopping days of the year, Black Friday is known for long lines, packed stores, aggressive customers, and a limited number of products available at a reduced price.

Black Friday sellers

Retailers use discounts to draw consumers into their stores and will aggressively campaign by offering incentives like gift cards and other small enticements. Many of them will offer limited-quantity sales to bring customers through their doors [1].

Black Friday shoppers

Whether people are searching in malls, department stores, specialty stores, or online, the sales on Black Friday are very effective at encouraging them to shop. Some people spend hours and even days preparing for Black Friday, scouring newspaper, internet, and television ads for the best Black Friday deals. Then groups and families strategically plan the best routes to their favorite stores, collect stacks of Black Friday ads and coupons, and coordinate strategies for purchasing products once inside the store [1, 5].

Why do people love to shop on Black Friday?

Hundreds of consumers crowding in to grab marked-down goods create a sense of competition, which in turn creates hedonistic shopping value – enjoyment from the mere process of buying things. We love to share stories and show off our bargains at the end of the day, boasting about the great deals we found and how we managed to get hold of that last popular item. Paying a low price for something makes us feel smart and pleased with ourselves. We have a sense of accomplishment and perhaps the thrill of feeling in a small way victorious over other customers [1, 4].

Happy girl sitting in a shopping cart

Frustration and aggression

The Black Friday experience can have a bonding effect [3]. However, sometimes the limited availability of goods in stores can excite those who view this as a form of competition. If someone gets in their way when they’re trying to reach an item they want, they might feel frustrated, which can devolve into an aggressive response towards the person blocking their way [1, 2, 3]. This aggressiveness can be dangerous!

Buy Nothing Day

Now, we have frustration and safety concerns on the one hand and pleasant emotions on the other, so what are we going to do? Before you answer this question, read about Buy Nothing Day – the anti-Black Friday movement that falls on the same day as Black Friday.
The aim of this day is to inspire worldwide action against mass consumerism and rediscover how to live freely. It tries to show us that we need to take a harder look at the stuff we’re purchasing on Black Friday and decide whether we really need all of it. Also, it points out the irony of giving thanks for everything we already have one day and going out to buy more things (we don’t really need) the next one. Lots of people use social media to post about this movement, so explore a bit – you may find many enlightening facts.

Trying to buy something that’s on sale but really isn’t discounted or is in limited quantity can be disappointing, for sure. However, these holiday sales can actually have an upside. Everyone is now expected to offer discounts as a goodwill gesture and not every retailer uses tricks to attract customers. You still can find things that you need or want and pay a better price for them. Just be discerning, purchase worthwhile items, and don’t get caught up in the consumerism!

 

We know that the holidays can be tough and stressful for some people. If you are experiencing “the holiday blues”, feeling stressed out or you simply need to talk to someone, don’t hesitate to book a free consultation call with one of our Coaches. They are always there for you!

 

References:

[1] Byun, S., & Mann, M. (2011). The Influence of Others. Clothing and Textiles Research Journal,29(4), 284-297. doi:10.1177/0887302×11422820
[2] Berkowitz, L. (1989). Frustration-aggression hypothesis: Examination and reformation. Psychological Bulletin, 106, 59-73.
[3] Dill, J. C., & Anderson, C. A. (1995). Effects of frustration justification on hostile aggression. Aggressive Behavior,21(5), 359-369. doi:10.1002/1098-2337(1995)21:53.0.co;2-6
[4] Holbrook, M. B., Chestnut, R. W., Oliva, T. A., & Greenleaf, E. A. (1984). Play as a consumption experience: The roles of emotions, performance, and personality in the enjoyment of games. Journal of consumer research, 11(2), 728-739.
[5] Thomas, J. B., & Peters, C. (2011). An exploratory investigation of Black Friday consumption rituals. International Journal of Retail & Distribution Management,39(7), 522-537. doi:10.1108/09590551111144905

Mindfulness practices for study-ready mind

Mindfulness, the state of active consciousness and full, open attention, can be helpful for students in its various forms, as we explained in a previous article. There, we listed some of the mindfulness techniques you can use while studying when you need an instant fix. Yet, as we noted before, the state of mindfulness is best achieved if practiced regularly and studiously, consciously rethinking and reorganizing some of your everyday activities.

So now we’re suggesting some new techniques that can help you in studying. These should be practiced every day apart from your studying rituals, and can, in time, radically change your focus, concentration, memory, and openness to details.

Don’t worry! To achieve a study-ready mind you won’t have to radically change your lifestyle. Mindfulness practices and meditation can be done in around half an hour a day. The trick is not to give up and keep repeating them, even if the results are not instantly apparent.

Switching up your routines

Much of the mindfulness program concerns habit releasers. These are everyday tasks “meant to reveal and break open some of our most unaware life patterns of thought and behavior” [1], which means changing or breaking down habits that can trap you into negative ways of thinking. These techniques snap you out of your old timeworn rut and open up exciting new avenues to explore. Two habit releasers that books about mindfulness recommend can be especially beneficial when it comes to studying

Number 1The first one is waking up earlier. It doesn’t have to be two or three hours earlier – for starters, simply set your alarm 15 minutes before you usually do. This has nothing to do with having more time to study in a day; it’s about reorganizing your mind. The point is to relax and practice focus while enjoying the peace of the day’s beginning. In the morning, things are still and quiet and you can use these 15 minutes to lie in bed, relax and put your mind in order.

Visualise things you have to do that day, put them in order and focus your mind on them. You can also use this time to practice full consciousness – lie or sit in peace, let your thoughts and sensations flow, and try to notice as many things around you as possible. This way you’re practicing your focus, which is one of the key factors that will help you study, but you’re also clearing your mind and getting ready for the work day in front of you and all the information you’ll need to embrace.

Number 2The second habit releaser is valuing entertainment time. In today’s world and life of the student, a lot of entertainment time is spent online, either on social networks or the internet. This exercise will help you map what you’re spending your time on, limit your free time and use it more purposefully. The point is to learn not to take these pleasures for granted but to use them fully and consciously so that a break really feels like a genuine release and you’re able to return to your work fully focused. When you take a break with purpose you don’t need to do it as long to obtain the relaxation benefit. Plus, you’ll certainly be giving yourself more time to study and cutting out any distraction!

First, think about what you really like to do online and limit yourself to only that. You can, for example, see what’s new on your Facebook feed and check Instagram notifications, and after you do, switch the internet off. You can set a time rule for yourself or limit yourself to one online activity. Do this consciously and, in the evening, write down how it felt, what you did, your thoughts, feelings, and impulses.  This way, while you’re online, you’ll be focused fully on that and only that, enjoying your valuable free time, and afterward, when you start studying, you’ll be able to clear your mind and fully focus on the task in front of you. [1]

Performing tasks mindfully

One of the best mindfulness practices won’t take a moment of your day because it involves performing the tasks you do every day – but mindfully. This, again, is an exercise in focus, one that will help you notice the details and information in your everyday life. You’ll find yourself noticing more while you study, finding all the details that you might otherwise miss, and really being conscious of what you’re reading.

So, take one of the routine activities we all perform daily (brushing teeth, walking from one room to another, washing dishes, showering, drinking tea or coffee…) and simply pay extra attention while doing it. Not slowly, but just while carefully observing all that you do and all that is happening. The example in the book Mindfulness: An Eight Week Plan for Finding Peace in a Frantic World is Showering:

Showering: pay attention to the sensations of the water on your body, the temperature, and the pressure. Notice the movements of your hand as you wash and the movements of your body as you turn and bend, etc. If you decide to take some of your showering time to plan or reflect, do so intentionally, with the awareness that this is where you have decided to focus your attention.

Illustration of three people, one on a computer, one meditating and one enjoying chocolate

Practice your senses

We’ve already talked about how important it is to connect your body and brain. That is why a meditation walk is always beneficial and something you can try even if you’re not studying at the moment. The point is to practice your concentration and focus and become aware of things you have never noticed – or felt – before. These are all valuable in helping you in the study process – which is fully about focus, memory, and attention to detail.

Another exercise for this is practicing of the senses. This one is really delightful as it includes chocolate! The point is to eat the chocolate, but in a way you’ve never done before – mindfully, thinking about it, focusing on everything you can sense.

For this, follow these instructions:

  • Open the packet. Inhale the aroma. Let it sweep over you.
  • Break off a piece and look at it. Really let your eyes drink in what it looks like, examining every nook and cranny.
  • Pop it in your mouth. Try to hold it on your tongue and just let it melt, avoiding any tendency to move your mouth around it. Chocolate has over three hundred different flavors. See if you can sense some of them.
  • If you notice your mind wandering while you do this, simply notice where it went, and gently bring it back to the present moment.
  • After the chocolate has completely melted, swallow it very slowly and deliberately. Let it trickle down your throat.
  • Repeat this with the next piece.  [2]

A calm mind is a study-ready mind

Again, we ought to remind you to be easy on yourself. If you don’t see results right away, take your time. Don’t get angry, nervous or irritated –  try to accept things as they are. There’s no point in rushing anything. You’re not facing a deadline, but practicing for your future self.

Do all these exercises slowly, enjoying them, learning things, not worrying about studying. But then, when the time for studying comes, your mind will be ready, focused, and fully awake.

 

If you need any kind of advice related to focus and studying, you’ve come to the right place!

Schedule a FREE CONSULTATION with one of our Coaches:

KEEP READING:

 

[1]   Penman, D. and Williams, M. 2011. Mindfulness: An Eight-Week Plan for Finding Peace in a Frantic World. Pennsylvania: Rodale Books.

[2] Jon Kabat-Zinn. 2005. Wherever You Go, There You Are. New York: Hachette Book.

 

5 Ways Parent Coaching Can Help You and Your Child

We like to be prepared for anything new in life. Whether we’re moving, changing jobs, or sitting behind the wheel for the first time ever, we like to research and get to know as much as we can about the situation we’re dealing with. But a lot of people tend to neglect the one area where we should try our hardest to be as prepared as possible: Parenting.

A lot of new parents, or parents-to-be, tend to look down on any sort of parent training or coaching. “Our parents had zero preparation and training when they were raising us, and we turned out well! So why should I be wasting my time and money on this?”

Now, no one is saying that our parents did everything 100% wrong – they all did the best they could for us: they loved us, protected us, and helped us become who we are today. Consider this for a moment: people who lived prior to 1879 had no electricity. It didn’t stop them from living normal, peaceful lives – but having electricity did make those lives substantially better and easier.

We think that parenting is a lot like electricity in that way. We can be very good parents without any sort of coaching, but preparing ourselves and learning as much as we can about the psychology of parenting will definitely help us be even better.

Here are five research-driven ways that parent coaching can be beneficial for your family.

Addressing Emotional Challenges

People are complex creatures. You can watch your child grow and know them better than anyone else, but you still can’t see inside their heads. Sometimes they might feel anxious about something, but feel ashamed of their anxiety, and that will stop them from telling you that something is wrong.

There’s no shame in not being an omnipotent being and having trouble connecting with your child, especially when they’re teenagers. After all, no one ever taught us how to deal with those situations; we’re just expected to know them naturally, intuitively. But being a human parent is very different from being a parent in the animal kingdom. We have a lot fewer instincts and a lot more thoughts and feelings.

The good news is that attending training programs or coaching together with your child can give you incredible results when it comes to your child’s negative emotions. Compared to just your child receiving coaching, the benefits are much greater. [3] Here’s why: when your child is learning how to combat their feelings of anxiety, shame, or negativity, they’re fighting them on their own. But when you’re both learning how to deal with them, a) you’ll always be able to not just be there for them, but help them in a knowledgeable way, and b) you’ll model the right kind of behavior to them in situations when you yourself are feeling upset.

By watching you understand and overcome your own negative feelings, and by becoming comfortable enough to speak about their own, you’ll start working on emotional issues together and develop a much closer relationship.

Improving Your Child’s Academic Performance

Now this one probably sounds the least believable of all, right? Your child is the one who should be studying, practicing, or even attending some tutoring lessons – but what have you got to do with it?

Everything.

We often hear that someone is a certain way because of their environment.  “Oh, he got into some bad company, he changed completely!” Or we hear how somebody is so lucky for having such great role models in their life. Then why would it be hard to believe that by providing a certain type of atmosphere at home you can help your child become a better student?

This is the part where a lot of parents might get defensive. “Are you saying that my child is living in a toxic atmosphere?” Again, none of this should mean that you’re doing anything wrong! But psychology is progressing every day, and we’re learning things about ourselves and our children we didn’t know before. Thanks to all the new research and discoveries, we can help you not to become a “good parent” – if you love your child and care for them, you are one already – but to become as good a parent as you can possibly be.

Children need you to be involved in their school lives, but not too involved. [2] You should meet their teachers, be involved in school events, ask them about their grades and whether they need help with a certain subject. But smothering them will be counterproductive. Checking their grades every week without giving them a chance to tell you about that C themselves, will break down the trust between you. A general rule of thumb is: if you are open and accepting with them, they’ll tell you if they need help.

All of this sounds great on paper, but in reality, it’s hard to draw a line: how much involvement is too much? This is where coaching can help you help your child. Being a parent doesn’t come with a manual, and there’s no shame in asking a professional how you can help your child develop academically.

Less Stress

Research has shown that after receiving training, parents of children with ADHD felt less stress. They found it much easier to remain calm rather than over-reacting. [1] You have probably noticed that when you’re stressed, you tend to react more harshly to your child’s misbehavior than you normally would.

By learning how to recognize your feelings of frustration, you can learn to calm yourself and react in a more productive way. This will help decrease your child’s undesirable behavior, and you’ll feel better as well. You can learn to accept your child without judgment, to listen to them more carefully, and above all, to feel compassion not only for them, but for yourself, as well. Instead of feeling like a bad parent every time you overreact, you can start understanding that while your reactions are normal, they’re not the only thing you can do, nor the only way you can react.

Quote that says "By learning how to recognize your feelings of frustration, you can learn to calm yourself and react in a more productive way. This will help decrease your child’s undesirable behavior, and you’ll feel better as well. "

Decreasing Hyperactivity

In certain respects, parent coaching serves to break the vicious cycle of hyperactivity. If you’ve ever seen your child act that way and couldn’t stop yourself from yelling at them, punishing them, or telling them things you didn’t really mean, it doesn’t mean you’re a bad parent. It simply means you fell into this vicious cycle: a child does something they cannot control to which their parents respond with their own behavior they cannot control, which, in turn, may worsen the child’s initial behavior. [4] They may start feeling misunderstood, anxious, ashamed, and lacking self-esteem.

The good thing is, coaching can help you as a parent learn how to react to their hyperactivity in a calmer, more constructive way, which will help calm them down as well. But that’s not all! You can also learn how to practice autonomy, self-esteem, stress management, and a lot of other very important things with your child. [4] Coaching offers you a way to not only educate yourself, but also to be able to work on your own and your child’s emotions to create a more positive and accepting family dynamic.

Becoming More Mindful

Mindfulness. That word seems to be everywhere these days, doesn’t it? It’s not for nothing, though: mindfulness is a powerful tool for both individuals and their relationships.

Simply put, being mindful means being present in the moment, without judging that moment as good or bad; you’re simply accepting things as they come, without overreacting. That doesn’t mean that from now on you should be emotionless about anything that happens – not at all! But taking a moment to hear another person without judgment, to accept yourself with all your thoughts and feelings and to accept others, is a huge step toward solving a problem in a calmer, more positive way. [5] This is easier said than done, but a Coach can help you learn and practice this skill.

Mindful parenting is becoming more and more popular, and research shows that after attending mindfulness programs, mothers report feeling better about their parenting in general. This was especially true for mothers of children with ASD, and much like ADHD, it also helped decrease the child’s symptoms of aggression and self-harm. [5] Mindfulness helps parents distance themselves from the child’s negative behavior by seeing it as something that comes and goes and is in no way their fault. Parents are also taught to start noticing their own feelings from moment to moment, without judging them. They are encouraged to notice comfortable and uncomfortable feelings related to parenting and to take a moment to accept them before working on them. [5]

It all sounds nice and dandy, but learning to do this takes a lot of practice, and coaching is a great way to start yourself on that journey. A Coach will be a non-judgmental listener who will, in turn, model the non-judgmental listening to parents. We can all agree that solving a problem from a position of acceptance, rather than one of anxiety, anger, and sadness will give us much better results, right?

At Nobel Coaching & Tutoring, we encourage parents to attend individual coaching sessions while their children are attending theirs. That way, parents can work on their own feelings and behaviors in order to model the best behavior possible to their children. If your child is having issues focusing on their homework, or if they are simply stressed out about the upcoming SAT’s, the best person to help them overcome it and learn to create a positive atmosphere is you – and we are here to help you learn how.

References:

  1. Garreta, E., Jimeno, T., & Servera, M. (2018). Analysis of the effectiveness of a training program for parents of children with ADHD in a hospital environment. Actas Españolas de Psiquiatria, Vol.46, 1, pp. 21-28
  2. https://www.whitbyschool.org/passionforlearning/6-compelling-reasons-to-take-parenting-classes
  3. https://ies.ed.gov/ncee/wwc/Docs/InterventionReports/wwc_incredibleyears_111511.pdf
  4. http://www.psychiatrictimes.com/adhd/parent-training-children-adhd
  5. Duncan, L., Coatsworth, J., & Greenberg, M. (2009). A Model of Mindful Parenting: Implications for Parent–Child Relationships and Prevention Research. Clinical Child and Family Psychology Review, 255-270

 

Report Cards – Don’t Let Them Surprise You

It’s report card time! Even though this can be stressful for students, it can be tough for parents, too! Are you surprised when you see their grades? How do you react? In this article, we’ll answer a few questions parents commonly have and help you deal with the situation.

The purpose of report cards

Sometimes we misunderstand the purpose of report cards. They’re designed to involve your child in the process of getting good grades.  They shouldn’t be an indictment!  Rather, see the report card as a roadmap. Your child is at point A and the goal is to be at point B. Ask yourself what they need to improve in to achieve that goal. And, even better, ask them.

Where do bad grades come from?

So your child has had A’s or B+’s but now you see more C’s than you want to. This may come as a shock. Or your child has promised you that this semester they’ll get only A’s and B’s, but that didn’t happen. Now you’re disappointed. Do you ask yourself What did I do wrong? The best way forward is to include both yourself and your child in resolving such questions.

We started our discussion in the article Where Do Bad Grades Come From. Let’s continue that discussion here, exploring a few more possible reasons. Is your student a teenager? Teens have active social lives and other interests that are more important to them than getting good grades. A sudden drop in grades sometimes indicates a substance abuse problem, which is also linked with teens. Also, a transition to a new school can be very stressful. Plummeting grades can be a sign that a student is being bullied. High achievers often experience a high level of stress and if they can’t handle the pressure, their grades slip.

These are only a few of the possible reasons. The first step toward getting good grades is to determine the cause of the drop in grades. The next step will depend on the cause you’ve determined, but here are some DO’s AND DON’T’s that apply in (almost) every situation.

What DOESN’T help

Talking while you’re angry.

So you saw the report cards and now you’re angry. Haven’t you asked them a thousand times Did you finish your homework/assignments? They told you they did, but it doesn’t look like that. So you might start yelling. Don’t! You’ve tried this already and it doesn’t work, right? Your child probably expects this reaction and has prepared at least ten excuses. It will make them act defensively. Let’s try something different.

Focusing on negative things.

You saw C’s in the report cards, but have you also seen A’s and B+’s? Usually, we focus on what is wrong, what we don’t like, etc. Don’t underestimate what is right. Think about that before you talk with your children. Have they improved in some subjects? Maybe there are more topics that still need improvement, but every step counts.

Labeling the student as lazy, unmotivated…

This doesn’t change their behavior. It can only reinforce it and perpetuate the bad habits they have. However, providing understanding and motivation will probably have a positive effect on their study habits and improve their grades. Here are ways you can do that!

How to help your child get good grades

Student learning at the top of the big books

Talk when you’re ready.

Talking while you’re angry doesn’t work, so wait until you’ve calmed down. Also, prepare yourself. Think about questions you want to ask, the possible causes of a drop, how your student feels, etc.

Talk less, listen more.

Let your student take the lead. Don’t put them in the position of acting defensively – let them tell you how they see the situation. Don’t interrupt them while they’re talking – listen to them carefully. If you don’t understand something they told you, ask them to explain it to you. Talk about feelings, problems, and other intimate stuff. And because these are personal things, try your best to be understanding and supportive. If you act like this, they’ll have confidence in you and tell you something they usually wouldn’t.

Make a deal.

Make a deal with your child that every time they get any grade they’ll tell you about it. Isn’t it better that you find out about bad grades from them rather than in report cards? Make them feel that they can talk to you about problems they’re facing. Offer them help in handling the pressure and school stress. This way, they will more likely tell you when something’s wrong and you can help them deal with it before it has consequences.

Reward.

Another good idea is to offer some kind of reward if they improve their grades. Recognizing students for the work they put in is very important, even more so than rewarding them for better grades. Try with I’m so proud of all the things you’ve learned this semester. That can be anything that’s important to them / they like – for example, you can make them their favorite meal, buy them their favorite snack. or clothes, etc. Who doesn’t like a little reward for hard work? Remember that it doesn’t have to be anything expensive.

 

If your child still has trouble with some topics or with studying, consider asking for help. We offer online coaching and tutoring for academic and personal growth. Here you can find out how we help and feedback from people we’ve helped.

The Best Halloween Costume for Your Child

Halloween is, without doubt, a favorite holiday for children of all ages. From toddlers to teenagers, kids are always excited to dress up as their favorite characters and go trick-or-treating with their friends. There’s also the fun of joining in the many outdoor fall activities taking place at this time of year, and the great opportunity Halloween offers for parents and children to share in the fun of creating costumes together. So it’s easy to see why studies have shown that this holiday can be so beneficial for children.

Choosing and making costumes is one of the best aspects of this holiday for children and actually, costuming itself is beneficial for small children. As Dr. Ashley Gilpin has noted: “Preschoolers and early elementary-aged children are in the height of the pretending stage, where they learn to take other people’s perspectives, which is the basis for empathy. As silly as it sounds, dressing up and pretending to be someone else helps them learn to take another person’s perspective and be more empathetic [1].”

To make things as enjoyable and constructive as possible for your child, there are things you can do to help you find the best possible costume and make it as appropriate as possible.

 

Don’t worry about the scary stuff

You might be worried if the holiday that started out as the day of death and, in modern culture, revolves around the aesthetics of horror might be too scary for children. Of course, you should not let them visit some of the more elaborate and non-child-friendly houses of terror, but as far as costumes go, dressing them up as witches or mummies is perfectly fine!

Research conducted by Jacqueline Woolley and her colleagues has proven that preschoolers of the age of 3 and 4 have a very good perception of what is real and what isn’t [2]. And, as mentioned, dressing up like this can even turn out to be beneficial, since kids are exploring various identities, building upon their imagination and getting a better grasp of what’s real and what isn’t. The trick is to keep the celebration in the context of the holiday and use the ideas we’ll talk about to remind the kids of what is real. At the same time, they’ll be practicing their cognitive skills, such as storytelling and making distinctions between fantasy and reality.

 

If there is a scary element, reason it out

Sometimes, Halloween can be a bit “too much” for youngsters, and that’s okay. Rather than not letting them go out and have fun if you know they’ll be scared, you can prepare them and put costumes and horror elements in the context of fantasy.

You can show your child how some scary costume is made and include them in the making process – they can help you with your zombie makeup, or choosing elements for the witch’s gown. Take them to the store during the day and show them around, so they can see how those elements and decorations are not at all scary when not put together. All in all, show them it’s really simply a fantasy rather than a real thing, and include them in the process of creating their costume.

Finally, everything looks more terrifying in the dark, even for adults. Therefore, it’s okay to consider limiting the time for trick-or-treating to the daylight hours.

 

Let your child choose

Communication with your child is always the key to a good relationship. While you shouldn’t let your kids make all the decisions, you should hear them out and try to reason with them if something in their thinking or acting isn’t valid. The same goes for costumes.

Some of the ideas that your child has for their costume might not be the most fitting ones: it might be a costume that isn’t suitable for their age, or simply something too expensive and hard to make. In those cases, compromise. Explain the basics of why their idea isn’t possible, but still take their suggestions – show them that you listen and consider them.

If your child wishes to choose a gender-neutral costume or to “gender-bend” the costume, there are studies that say this is highly beneficial. It is not only good for girls to try out traditionally more masculine and empowering costumes (heroes, scientists, etc.) – it’s good for boys to try embracing more feminine roles and ideas, and break the mold of seeing manly costumes and professions as better than traditionally feminine ones [3].

If, when Halloween comes, a child is not at all interested in wearing the costume you both spent a long time making, don’t push it. Maybe they can go just with the cape, and not the whole Superman outfit? Making them do something against their will can be stressful for both you and the child, and the point of the holiday is to have fun. At the end of the day, it’s not that important.

 

Make sure to be respectful

Over the last few years there’s been a lot of talk about which costumes are respectful and what is absolutely not to be made into dress-up for fun. No matter on which side of the debate you are, make sure your child has the best possible time by avoiding putting them into any kind of bad situation.

Many think Halloween attire is “just a costume”. Yet if the clothing your child is wearing has a chance of offending someone, it’s not “just a costume” for the other person in question. Chances are they have a different perspective than you, so try to be as compassionate as possible. Avoid any costumes that might have a political implication or that can be read as sacred attire. As the author, Susan Scafidi said: “We can all learn to be polite and respectful without being political. And, in fact, I think most people want to be.”

The best advice is to keep children’s costumes in the realm of fantasy or dress them up in career uniforms. The beauty of this holiday is, after all, in having the freedom to be as creative as possible, so there are hundreds of possibilities and characters to explore, without stepping into politically or socially sensitive areas.

If you are ready to fight the summer slide with your child, you’ve come to the right place!

Schedule a FREE CONSULTATION with one of our Coaches:

KEEP READING:

[1] https://www.ua.edu/news/2016/10/ua-psychology-professor-children-benefit-from-halloween-activities/

[2] http://time.com/4090715/halloween-can-help-kids-learn-whats-real/

[3] https://globalnews.ca/news/2310986/gender-bias-in-kids-halloween-costumes-is-a-problem-psychologist/

4 Tips to Help Your Child Adjust to Their New School

If you have just moved to a different place and want to help your child adapt to their new school environment, well, this article is for you! Leaving a familiar environment along with their good friends, teachers, and neighbors is a stressful experience for both younger children and (especially so) teenagers. [3] Here are a few tips that might make the whole experience easier and even exciting!

Meet the New Neighborhood

As a grownup, you’ve probably already dealt with moving in one way or another – maybe you did so at college, or for work, or after you got married. But for your kids, it’s a completely new and scary experience. We all have our own favorite little places in a town. For your kids, those might be the local park, schoolground, ice cream shop… So try to find something similar in your new neighborhood that could make them feel more at home.

Go for a walk with them and ask them which of the places you’re passing by they like. You can purposely stop and spend some time getting more acquainted with these places. This will increase their comfort level and sense of familiarity with their new surroundings.

Meet the Kids

Woah, that subtitle really looks like the name of some talent show, doesn’t it? What it means, though, is that your child left some good friends in the other town, and they’ll need to start from scratch and make some new ones. And if they try doing that on the first day at their new school, they’ll be experiencing all kinds of stresses all at once: new building, new rules, and on top of that – alone amongst their peers who are already friends amongst themselves? It can be overwhelming.

That’s why it’s a good idea to try to meet some of their peers prior to their first day of school. [3] You and your child together can visit your new neighbors to introduce yourselves. You might even want to take them a treat. Try to learn something about them and the other neighbors. If they have kids the similar age as yours – bingo! And if not, ask them about the other neighbors’ kids (make sure to explain your concerns and the reasons behind your questions, though: otherwise it might come out a little strange!). You can even arrange a small gathering for all the neighbors and ask them to bring their families along. Some of those will probably end up being your child’s new classmates, and they can get to know them and become friends in a more informal way.

Get to Know the School

Even before they attend their first classes, you can contact your child’s new school and arrange a meeting with an administrator. Talk to them about how things work there, and if you can, discuss which teacher would be a good fit for your student. Ask them if it would be okay to take a walk through the halls and classrooms. That way, it will all seem much more familiar to your child on their first day; they’ll have no trouble finding their locker, classroom, bathroom, or the cafeteria. Doing these things will reduce a great deal of stress for the child on their first day at the new school. [1]

Find A New Routine

Another thing we all leave behind when we move is the routines we’ve developed. This time around, it might take longer to get to school, which means waking up earlier. Instead of walking, it could mean getting on the bus. So try to stick to the parts of your previous routine that don’t need to be changed. If you’re used to having breakfast together, do it, even if it means waking up an extra half hour earlier. Make sure that your child goes to bed relatively early and wakes up early enough as well, so they can get sufficient rest and have enough time for everything the next morning. Packing in a matter of seconds, not getting to finish breakfast, and overall rushing can just add  to the already existing stress, so try to avoid it as best as you can. [1]

Bonus Advice

If you haven’t already (and even if you have), watch the animated movie called Inside Out – together. It’s told from the point of view of a teenage girl who had to move to a new place, new school, and make new friends. It will not only give you all some adjustment tips, but it will also tell you that feeling nervous and even sad is completely normal and should be talked about. [2] Don’t be overly enthusiastic and diminish your child’s feelings, but do try to inspire them to look at the positives as well. Above all, have patience. Reassure your child that it will take some time to get used to the new places and new people and to feel at home. Finally, let them know you’ll be there for them every step of the way. That way, adapting to changes will be a much smoother process.

References:

  1. https://www.theclassroom.com/adapt-new-school-16096.html
  2. https://www.schoolchoiceintl.com/how-students-can-adjust-to-a-new-school/
  3. https://www.thespruce.com/help-your-kid-adjust-new-school-2435862

 

 

Why is Effective Communication so Important?

Being able to communicate our thoughts, opinions, and wishes has always been important for our survival. Just imagine our cave-dwelling great-grand-ancestors not being able to precisely convey that they really, really do not want to join in on that hunt because their leg is hurting. Next thing they know, they’re running away from a tiger – and not very successfully!

Although most of us don’t need to run from tigers anymore, the skill of clear communication is more important than ever. Thanks to our new technologies, we can now communicate with virtually any person from any place on Earth, and many people do just this on a regular basis, especially if they work for a large corporation [3].  Indeed,  for some people communication itself is the main goal – successful talk-show hosts and writers have mastered this skill to such a degree that simply communicating has become their primary job [3].

Knowing how to present ourselves in a good light and understand the other party well enough to persuade them to help us achieve something is an incredibly important skill to develop. In this article, we’ll take a look at some of the benefits of effective communication and offer some ideas on how to hone that skill.

Professional Benefits

Since we’ve already mentioned the importance of communicating in the workplace, let’s tackle the professional aspect of this skill first. Some of the benefits of clear communication in the workplace are:

  1. Fewer mistakes.
  2. Better workplace atmosphere.
  3. Good persuasion skills.

Making Fewer Mistakes

Have you ever been in a situation where your boss or your professor is explaining to you how to do something, but you just can’t seem to understand them? So maybe after asking them to explain it one more time and still not understanding it, you tell yourself, “It’s fine, I’ll do it by myself”, and you end up making a mistake. Or maybe you were too shy to even ask them to explain it to you in the first place!

Either way, the primary cause for your mistake would be the fact that both parties failed to communicate effectively. To begin with, your boss/professor didn’t communicate their expectations in a way you could understand. They are probably speaking from the perspective of somebody who has been doing that task for quite some time, so it’s easy for them to forget the mistakes they were making in the beginning or the challenges they faced then.  Now that they’re more knowledgeable, they simply assume it must be as easy for you to do as it is for them. In other words, they are communicating from their perspective only, without taking your perspective and your context into consideration [2].

Secondly, your fear of communicating your lack of understanding is what might cause you to make a mistake. Not asking for an explanation is something that usually happens when you assume that the person you’re talking to will be annoyed and bored by your questions. But instead, you could have asked them a clarifying question. For example, saying: “Okay, so let me just see if I understood you correctly so I am 100% sure I’ll do it properly” and then repeating the task the way you understood it saves you from asking a million tiny questions. Instead, you just ask one, and if your boss sees a fault in what you said, they’ll let you know.

So in both cases, assumptions of how much someone knows and how they feel about certain things can lead to mistakes. And though it’s sometimes hard to get over that voice in your head that says, “Stop bothering them or they’ll think you’re stupid and unable to do this!”, it’s something we all must work on if we are to be effective communicators and avoid mistakes.

Better Workplace Atmosphere

Imagine your next hypothetical situation. Your colleague or classmate is celebrating their birthday this Friday and they bring muffins for everyone – but you. What’s up with that?! You might naturally think that they don’t like you and don’t want to hang out with you without really checking that hypothesis with them. So the next time they need help from you, you might turn away and ignore them, causing them to not finish their assignment and to feel really bad.

But what if the reason you didn’t get a muffin was because the muffins their mom made for them were all made with peanuts, and they only remembered about your allergies after they started sharing them around? They had been trying to protect you this entire time, and here you were thinking that they hated you!

In that scenario, both of you were lacking proper communication skills. On one hand, they should have apologized to you for forgetting all about your allergies, while you should have asked them if there was something wrong in your relationship the moment you noticed something wasn’t adding up.

If we are looking at this from their perspective, they should have said something like: “I’m very sorry that I don’t have a muffin for you, I completely forgot about your allergies. How about we go grab a coffee later so I can properly apologize?” You could also have helped solve this situation by simply asking them: “Hey, I noticed everyone got a muffin but me, and I’m feeling really left out. Could you tell me why I didn’t get one?” Any of these two explanations would have prevented a further misunderstanding.

Just imagine if a pilot and air traffic control were communicating in such an inefficient and petty way – it wouldn’t be fun, would it [2]?

Good Persuasion Skills

Now now, I’m not trying to teach you how to manipulate the people around you in order to always have things your way. By “persuasion”, I primarily mean marketing skills – and, well, if they also teach you how to convince your friend to help you with your math, that’s not so bad now, is it?

What do you think all great companies have in common? Sure, the most important thing is that they all have something that a lot of people want and can use. But that in itself isn’t enough. If they didn’t have a good, persuasive marketing team, no one would even have heard of them. In this day and age, when new apps, technologies, and inventions are being created every day, having the ability to communicate about your product in an innovative way is what will separate you and your company from the rest of the pack.

And not only that, but in order to sell yourself (not in an illegal way, more like – sell your worth to a university you want to go to or sell your abilities and character to your potential employer) you need to know how to communicate about your strengths and weaknesses in the right way.

Personal Benefits

After reading the first part of the article, you’re probably already aware of the main benefit good communication can give you in your personal life – better and more honest relationships. There are thousands of articles online about the relationships between parents and teenagers and what both sides can do to make them better. But what if I told you that just by changing the way you communicate with each other, you can fix 90% of that relationship?

Instead of snooping around their teenager’s room, parents should be more open and honest about their fears and feelings. Simply saying things like, “I feel sad that you don’t spend as much time at home” or “I’ve been noticing some changes in your behavior and I’m very worried that something may be bothering you” is a hundred times better for a relationship than looking for some sort of proof for your hypothesis. If parents raise their children this way, if they’re not ashamed to tell them they are sad or hurt by something, then they’ll be good role models for their children to do the same once they start having problems.

Tips on Being a Better Communicator

Communication is far more than just what you say, it’s also how you act. Non-verbal signals such as facial expressions or body movements can at times tell us more about what someone really feels than any words they might be saying [2]. If your parents are nagging you about that C you received and you keep saying how you feel sorry about it, all the while rolling your eyes with your arms crossed, they probably won’t be inclined to believe you.

What you communicate with your words and your body language needs to be in sync in order for your message to get through. And not only that, you need to take into consideration your previous communication with someone [1].  For example, if you’re prone to sarcasm, no matter how seriously you are now speaking to them, they might be nodding their heads suspiciously. Instead of simply saying what you want to say and getting angry when they don’t believe you, it’s a good idea to remember your previous interactions and maybe predict their reaction. This is especially important if something big is at stake – say, you want to ask your professor for extra credit, but they don’t really think much of you after you’ve been late for 70% of their classes. Taking their perspective and feelings into consideration is a great first step to start communicating better [2].

You could start by saying, “Look, I know I’m always being sarcastic, but I really need your help with this now”, or “Professor, I’m sorry for always being late. It was really irresponsible of me, but in order to get into the university I really want, I’ll  need some extra credit from your class. Is there anything I can do to make that happen?”

Communication is an amazing ability. We can communicate through words, hands, drawings, even eyes. And yet, we so often tend to repeat the same behavior. If a wife is angry with her husband, she’ll keep yelling at him and he’ll keep withdrawing. Even though they can both see it’s not getting them anywhere, it’s easier to fall into their usual pattern of communication rather than to try and change it.

But if we dare change that script, it will make our lives not only easier, but more beautiful and fulfilled as well. So start today! If you’ve had a fight with someone recently, or if you keep having fights about the same thing, think about which part of your communication is falling short. Take their point of view into consideration and try to alter your communication style. After all, there are infinite ways of doing that.

 

References:

  1. Bowdish, R. (2018). The Importance of Communication. Master of Arts in English Plan II Graduate Projects.
  2. Burgoon, J.K., Berger, C.R., & Waldron, V.R. (2000). Mindfulness and Interpersonal Communication. Journal of Social Issues, Vol. 56, No.1, pp. 105-127.
  3. Morreale, S.P., & Pearson, J.C. (2008). Why Communication Education is Important: The Centrality of the Discipline in the 21st Century. Communication Education Vol. 57, No. 2, pp. 224-240

6 Ways Your Child Can Benefit From Classroom Diversity

When we hear the word diversity, most of us tend to think only about race or ethnicity. But diversity comes in many shapes and forms: gender, socio-economic status, religion, even learning styles [6].  Each of those things makes us different and gives us the opportunity to teach others something new. In this article, we’ll look at the enormous benefits your child can gain as part of a diverse classroom.

School is for Learning

The main purpose of sending children to school is to allow them to learn. But we tend to think inside the box when it comes to learning. We immediately think about science, English, or psychology – that’s what my kid will be studying at school, right? Of course, but that’s not where the list ends. They’ll also gain important knowledge about the way the world works: by mingling among other children, your child can become better at communicating, understanding different people and different points of view; they can learn to be more relaxed and confident in different situations. And what better place to do that than in a diverse classroom?

How Does Diversity Make it Different?

You might be asking yourself – but wouldn’t they be learning all those things just as well in a homogenous classroom? Won’t they still get to hear a lot of different opinions and learn some important social skills?

Not quite.

While it’s true that any sort of interaction with others will aid your child in developing their social skills, the extent to which they’ll do that depends largely on their environment. Imagine this: it’s the first day of school. Your son comes back home, delighted to tell you all about his new friends. It turns out they’re all boys of the same race, same ethnicity, same religion, whose parents make roughly the same amount of money you do, living in the same neighborhood, listening to the same music, reading the same books. It’s perfect friendship!

But fast forward a couple of years.  You might start noticing that your child is having a hard time dealing with conflict, differences of opinion, and adapting to new situations. This could well be because they have never experienced anything different from what they’ve known their whole life. And as they grow up, there will be more and more of these situations, and the more your child is familiar with them, the easier it will be for them to navigate their way through this ever-changing world.

Not only that, but they’ll also be able to get a more complete perspective on any challenging situation if they are aware of all the different opinions a person can have in a given situation. This will help them when it comes to solving real-life problems by finding more (and better) solutions.

What Else Can be a Benefit?

Besides developing social skills important for the future, this is what your child can also learn in a diverse classroom:

  1. Empathy and Tolerance
  2. Feeling Safe
  3. Cultural Understanding
  4. Political Involvement
  5. Gender Equality

Empathy and Tolerance

Since the beginnings of civilization, there have been stereotypes. But the main thing that allowed those stereotypes to spread was the fact that different nations were separated by very strong borders, and there wasn’t nearly as much mingling as there is today.

In psychology, there is something called contact theory [2]. This theory has been proven time and time again, and the idea is this: (negative) stereotypes can be broken if different groups come into direct contact with one another, but only if:

  1. That contact occurs on the basis of equality
  2. in a setting that offers common experiences and objectives, and
  3. it happens frequently and intensively [2].

You may have already noticed that the classroom setting can provide all three of the necessary conditions [2]. This means that it’s a perfect place for different groups of children to come into contact and begin to understand one another. Once that happens, they’ll be able to develop tolerance for those different from them, and also empathy.

Empathy means being able to feel exactly the way someone else feels. You would probably agree that the more we understand someone, the easier it becomes for us to “walk in their shoes”. The basis of almost any large-scale conflict today is the fact that we don’t understand one another. We cannot connect to those of different origin, skin color, or religion because we don’t know what they are like outside of our TV screens and what  politicians tell us. So why not prevent all that misunderstanding simply by allowing our children to develop friendships in a context of diversity?

Feeling Safe

Did you know that students report feeling much safer in school and life in general, if they have been educated in diverse classrooms [6]?

This shouldn’t come as a surprise – we don’t fear what we’re familiar with. We would feel more scared going into anyone else’s house and finding it completely in the dark, rather than going into our own unlit house. We would have no trouble feeling for the light switch and walking in complete darkness from room to room.

It’s the same with people different from us, and I don’t just mean of different ethnicity. Up until the end of the 18th century, it was believed that atypically developing people were a danger to society and should be confined. But today, in the 21st century, we’ve adopted the principle of Integrated Classrooms, and thanks to that, many children with Autism Spectrum Disorder or Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder can go to regular classes with their typically developing classmates. And it’s not only beneficial for children who deal with ADHD and ASD to interact with their typically developing peers [1], but it can also be beneficial for their peers as well.

However, that didn’t just happen overnight. It took a lot of explaining and contact with those developing atypically to understand that the more they interact with other people, the better off they will be and the more they can be helped. From fear, we went to understanding and love. We started feeling safe among those different from us, because we had the opportunity to see them and talk with them.

Cultural Understanding

The only way to truly understand a different culture is to talk with someone who comes from that culture. Just look at all the craze for Japanese anime that’s taken hold in recent years. There are some who conflate anime with traditional Japanese culture and style themselves accordingly – in dress, mannerisms, etc. But if you were to describe these people’s actions to the people of Japan, they’d very clearly assure you they are not remotely like that. Reading books and watching movies about different cultures is a great alternative, but nothing beats genuine human contact.

If your child decides at some point in their life to go overseas for studies, work, or for any other reason, they’ll fit in much more easily if they’ve been in contact with different cultures prior to their departure. But if all they have ever known is people similar to them, they are bound to experience “culture shock” – and adapting to their new apartment or workplace will be that much more difficult.

Political Involvement

Studies as well as personal experiences of teachers, show that if the teacher is willing to let the class discuss different political issues, the number of people engaged in the conversation and the variety of different opinions will be much greater if the classroom is diverse [5]. If everyone comes from the same background, there isn’t much to discuss – everyone more or less agrees on the same points and they don’t go too much further than that.. But this approach is what tends to lead to people not being interested and not understanding the current political climate, and, as a result, often not voting. It is much better for a country’s political health if everyone is involved, not just a handful of people with the same opinions. If we can discuss different issues with one another, we’ll be able to learn more, understand more, challenge ourselves and the others’ opinions, and arrive at much better ideas and conclusions.

And who knows, maybe that’s what will prompt your kid to one day run for president!

Gender Equality

Speaking of running for president, isn’t it about time more women ran? Skeptics might say, “but that’s just because women aren’t interested in politics and don’t have that much experience!” Such false assumptions clearly indicate the necessity for more discussion and encouragement about individual life choices while we’re growing up, and our schools need to support questioning of outdated gender stereotypes and challenge us to try doing things differently [8].

Attitudes can change if we talk to each other more. Research tells us that friendships tend to develop between same sexes, same socio-economic backgrounds, same ethnicity, same race [4]. How does that allow us to grow, then? If boys spend time with boys and girls with girls with no contact up until the age they’re looking for romantic relationships, how will we understand and support each other?

We could start with extracurricular activities – book clubs, political clubs, sports clubs, IT clubs. They are a great way to promote more contact between genders, ethnicities – all kinds of differences, really. It makes it easier to realize the discrepancies we’re a part of and start working on making them better [4]. How can we teach our girls to shoot for the stars and our boys to be respectful, if all they’ve ever known is the company of one gender? That’s how we separate children into groups, and that’s how they learn to identify themselves with their gender, instead of their humanity.

Final Advice

A report from 2012 noted that  “80% of Latino students and 74% of black students attend majority non-white schools” [5]. It would be a mistake to assume that everyone would feel better surrounded by like-minded people. Only if we talk with people from different backgrounds and opinions, can we learn to be more accepting, more understanding, more creative, and even create better opportunities for ourselves. And while this shouldn’t just be the case in classrooms, classrooms are an ideal place to start.

So my advice for you as a parent is: don’t shy away from diversity. Don’t force it, but inspire your child to support those different from them. Inspire them to learn from others. After all, “the friend of my friend is a friend” is especially true when it comes to schools: if one child is making friends among other ethnicities and learning styles, their friends will start doing that, too. And one by one, we may even reach the day when this article becomes completely unnecessary, because everyone is friends with everyone [4].

One child said it best: “There are a lot of ways things and people could be misunderstood. In order to eliminate them, we must be listeners and learners” [3].

 

References:

  1. Chan, J.M. & O’Reilly, M.F. (2008). A Social Stories Intervention Package for Students with Autism in Inclusive Classrooms. Journal of Applied Behavior Analysis, Vol.41, 3, pp. 405-409.
  2. Janmaat, J.G. (2012).  The effect of classroom diversity on tolerance and participation in England, Sweden and Germany. Journal of Ethnic and Migration Studies, Vol.38, 1, pp. 21-39
  3. Lee, J.J. & Hoadley, C.M. (2006). Ugly in a World Where You Can Choose to be Beautiful”:Teaching and Learning About Diversity via Virtual Worlds. Proceedings of the 7th International Conference on Learning Sciences, pp. 383-389.
  4. Moody,  J. (2001). Race, School Integration, and Friendship Segregation in America. American Journal of Sociology, Vol.107, 3, pp. 679-716.
  5. https://blog.ed.gov/2016/04/the-value-of-classroom-diversity/
  6. https://online.queens.edu/online-programs/medl/resources/benefits-of-diversity-in-school
  7. https://www.millennialdialogue.com/blog/the-gender-gap-in-political-interest
  8. https://www.vox.com/mischiefs-of-faction/2017/4/10/15239998/womens-representation-congress-america

 

Back to School: How to Be Prepared

It’s that time of year already! Whether you’re ready or not, summer break is over and school has started. Since going back to school is often a bit scary, we want to help prepare you to crush this school year!

How to prepare for going back to school?

So, how can you ready yourself mentally and physically for a new, successful school year?

Get enough sleep.

Sometimes we underestimate the value of sleep but sleep has effects on performance. It involves a range of complex functions associated with memory, the ability to learn, brain development, immune functioning, etc. So try to sleep at least eight to nine hours every night. While this might not always be realistic, do try to respect your sleep schedule!

Prepare everything you need the day before.

Pack your bag and choose your clothes the day before, so you don’t have to worry about it next morning and won’t have to rush. You’ll have time to think about the things you want to do that day, have breakfast, and get ready on time.

Be there 15 minutes early.

And while we’re talking about time… Don’t be late! It’s an annoying habit and you know that. The best way not to be late is to get to school 15 minutes early every day.

Study routine.

Establish your studying/homework routine. This will help you concentrate, memorize, and recall information faster and more effectively.

Be organized.

Write down all your due dates on a calendar template and review it daily as a study guide. Make a plan for how you’ll achieve everything you want to and stick to it. This helps with focusing time and energy on tasks you need to complete, and you can track your progress and make adjustments as necessary.

Planner and a yellow marker pen

It’s okay to be afraid

Have you had negative thoughts – for example, of having a test you didn’t study for that are coming back all over again? Do you have trouble falling asleep or you’re waking up frequently during the night? What about nightmares? Maybe you have none of these symptoms, but you still feel school-related nervousness.  However, there are ways to beat it!

Remember you’re not alone.

Many students feel that way and have the same worries that you do. It’s not unusual to experience some anxiety facing the new school year, even more so if you’re moving up to middle school, high school, or college. These “big changes”can be really difficult, but certainly manageable.

Don’t forget to breathe.

If you feel very anxious and don’t know what to do or how to stop it, just breathe. Try to find a place where you can be alone, close your eyes, and breathe slowly. Here’s a good exercise that is called 4 7 8 breathing:

  1. For 4 seconds inhale silently through your nose.
  2. Then, count to seven as you hold your breath.
  3. Next, exhale completely through your mouth for eight seconds.

You can also use this exercise if you have trouble falling asleep.

Talk about it.

Sometimes the best way to face a fear is to say it out loud. So if you have any fear, or you feel nervous, anxious, and/or sad, share it. Share your feelings and your fears with someone you’re close to. For example, a friend is a good choice – they might be feeling the same way and you can talk it through together.

However, if you have trouble adapting to school for more than the first week or two and it’s affecting your everyday life, talk with your family and friends and consider asking for help.

School is cool

Even though you’re a bit nervous and a little bit fearful facing a new school year, you can also look forward to some great new experiences. These are a few reasons why School is Cool.

  1.      New people.

The new school year is a good chance to meet new people! Why is that so good? Those people may become your friends (or a crush, right?).

  1.      Friends.

Seeing classmates after a few months is great, isn’t it? You can finally hug them and talk about how you spent your summer break and what’s new. Friends are also a great support that all of us need from time to time. Even if you experience some anxiety in social situations, you now have a fresh chance to make connections and to work on maintaining a sense of calm while joining in new experiences.

  1.      New, interesting things to learn.

There’s plenty of new things to learn and you may be surprised by what you’ll find to interest you! Also, there’s a wide variety of opportunities available for you at school which may be beneficial in your future career. Leadership in a student organization is a good example of that.

  1.      Extracurricular activities.

Have you already found your favorite one? If you did, congratulations! Keep doing a great job! However, if you didn’t, here’s a chance to try different extracurricular activities and find out what you like and what your passion is. There are many benefits to joining a choir or a basketball team. Also, you can meet new people and learn many interesting things there!