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Healthy Self-Esteem – How to Build It?

“The greatest thing in the world is to know how to belong to oneself.”Michel de Montaigne

Self-esteem is “how a person feels about him or herself, good or bad, and as manifested in a variety of ways, for example, in pride or shame, but especially in self-confidence” [6]. This feeling is related to a person’s judgments about their intellectual competence, social skills, appearance, physical coordination, etc [5].

How high is your self-esteem?

How people feel about themselves is on a fluid continuum that can range from low to high based on varying circumstances. Having low self-esteem means you may feel not good enough, as if no one likes you. Low self-esteem individuals are very self-critical. They often blame themselves for things that aren’t their fault. If someone compliments them for something they’ve done well, they don’t see the praise as reflective of any personal ability. They make things harder than they need to be. They’re usually shy and may have a fear of public speaking [4, 7, 8]. The anxiety that they won’t perform well leads them to avoid challenges and miss opportunities otherwise open to them, which only reinforces their negative feelings [2, 6].

Feelings of low self-esteem are rooted in a person’s own judgments of themselves. People’s beliefs about themselves, others, and the world around them are shaped during childhood, with parents clearly a vital influence (e.g. child-abusive parents) [5]. These beliefs can also be impacted by being treated poorly by meaningful others at any age.

If you tend to have lower self-esteem, these feelings might make it harder for you to live a fulfilled life. But low self-esteem isn’t something that you’re powerless to change. There are ways to help you build self-acceptance, self-love, and self-confidence, which will lead you to an easier, happier, and most importantly, a healthier life.

While people with low self-esteem are dissatisfied with themselves, suffer self-rejection, or even self-contempt, high self-esteem individuals consider themselves valuable and important. They are comfortable with themselves. When in the company of others, they socialize more easily and are resistant to peer pressure. Under stress, they’re able to handle negative emotions and overcome a problematic situation. They tend to surmount difficulties because they’re willing to attempt new tasks and challenges. Generally, high self-esteem contributes to feeling good and leads to greater happiness [2, 6, 9].

Is high self-esteem always beneficial?

One must take care not to go overboard on self importance. We should rather focus on the importance of balance. A healthy self-esteem is a balanced sense of self-esteem – judging that you are worthwhile and valuable.

High self-esteem is a heterogeneous category. It encompasses people who frankly accept their good qualities as well as narcissistic, defensive, and conceited individuals [2]. Persons with very high self-esteem may overly inflate the positive side of themselves. For example, when their ego is threatened, they risk making commitments that exceed their capabilities and preclude success [1]. It can also lead to increased sensitivity to negative feedback and make self-improvement difficult [3].

When we talk about high or low self-esteem, it sounds as though we have to choose which of these two categories we belong to. But you can have higher self-esteem in one area of your life and lower in another – one alone doesn’t define your whole character. Also, your goal shouldn’t be to be perfect, but healthier. Because of that, it’s much better to think about healthy self-esteem.

Six ways to improve your self-esteem

It can be difficult to break habits, so improving self-esteem takes time and persistence. But don’t give up! You deserve to accept and be comfortable with who you are. No person should be held back from reaching their full potential.

Use positive affirmations.

Positive affirmations may contribute to self-worth because they can gradually become true for you. Describe the way you would like to feel all the time. Say it out loud and frequently. However, in order for these affirmations to work, make sure you choose ones that are not too contrary to your beliefs!

Perfectionism is no good.

No one is perfect. Although it sounds weird, perfection couldn’t get you to where you really want to be. Embrace your imperfections. Stop being dissatisfied with what you’ve accomplished and your own performance. Instead of perfect, go with good enough. And let yourself make mistakes and fail. Sometimes you can learn more from failure than success. So be proud of what you’ve achieved, regardless of whether it looks small or big to you.

Recognize your strengths.

No one is good at everything and we’re all good at something (math, singing, or being a friend). Identify your strength and practice it more. You’ll demonstrate real ability and achievement to yourself. And because we tend to enjoy doing the things we’re good at, you’ll feel happier.

Set yourself a challenge.

Don’t let fear of failing make you stop trying new things. Go outside your comfort zone. Set yourself small goals like eat more veggies. Achieving them will help you feel better about yourself and motivate you to set even more goals.

Connect with people who love you.

If you spend time with people who treat you badly it’s easy to feel bad about yourself. Choose to spend less time with them and more time with people who love you and appreciate you, because they can help you challenge negative thinking. Ask them what they love about you and what are the things you’ve done right so you have a different, more positive view of yourself. Also, be willing to meet new people so that you can make new friends, even if it means trying new hobbies and stepping outside your comfort zone.

Be more compassionate towards yourself.

When frustration and embarrassment overwhelm you because you`ve failed to achieve a goal you set, don’t be too harsh on yourself. It’s a process, and you’ll need to adjust your goals along the way (and the goals should be about measurable things you can do, not outcomes). Imagine that a friend is in your situation and ask yourself What would I say to a dear friend? We often give far better advice to others than we do to ourselves. Direct those thoughts to yourself and change critical thoughts with self-compassion.

Remember, your self-esteem is fluid, so continue working to improve in these areas so that you can develop and maintain the healthy self-esteem you’re seeking. If you find it difficult, do not hesitate to contact us for more information about our coaching services.

References:

[1] Baumeister, R. F., Heatherton, T. F., & Tice, D. M. (1993). When ego threats lead to self-regulation failure: Negative consequences of high self-esteem. Journal of personality and social psychology, 64(1), 141.

[2] Baumeister, R. F., Campbell, J. D., Krueger, J. I., & Vohs, K. D. (2003). Does high self-esteem cause better performance, interpersonal success, happiness, or healthier lifestyles?. Psychological science in the public interest, 4(1), 1-44.

[3] Brown, J. D. (2010). High self-esteem buffers negative feedback: Once more with feeling. Cognition and Emotion, 24(8), 1389-1404.

[4] Daly, J. A., Vangelisti, A. L., & Lawrence, S. G. (1989). Self-focused attention and public speaking anxiety. Personality and Individual Differences, 10(8), 903-913.

[5] Emler, N. (2002). The costs and causes of low self-esteem. Youth Studies Australia, 21(3), 45-48.

[6] Ferkany, M. (2008). The Educational Importance of Self‐Esteem. Journal of Philosophy of Education, 42(1), 119-132.

[7] Jovanovic, A. (2017, July 27) Retrieved from https://nobelcoaching.com/shyness-in-child-development/

[8] Nedeljković, J. (2018, January 29). Retrieved from https://nobelcoaching.com/public-speaking/

[9] Ryff, C. D., & Singer, B. H. (2013). Know thyself and become what you are: A eudaimonic approach to psychological well-being. In The exploration of happiness (pp. 97-116). Springer, Dordrecht.

 

Need additional support for helping your teen build self-esteem? Don’t hesitate. We can help. 

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